


Repechage

by FabulaRasa



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-11
Updated: 2010-02-11
Packaged: 2017-10-07 04:18:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 31,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/61347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FabulaRasa/pseuds/FabulaRasa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the prequel to <i>Misericorde</i>. Though it comes earlier in the timeline of that particular universe, the stories may be read in any order. (The title is a fencing term, and refers to the kind of tournament in which a player, after being eliminated in an early round, can continue to play through the bottom of the roster and end up with a chance to compete in the final round.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Repechage

**Prologue: Day One**

"You're joking."

"Indeed I am not."

"You bloody well are." Sirius took another swig of his beer and narrowed his eyes at Remus. "You're out of your fucking mind if you think I'm going to do that."

Lupin just smiled and tipped his chair back. "All right then. Pay up."

"Come on, Moony, you know I haven't got a Knut."

"Which is why I agreed to let you dare for it when I dealt this hand," Remus grinned. "Don't give me that `come on, Moony' shit. You know the rules. No money - winner's dare. You shouldn't have played if you knew you were penniless."

"I'm always penniless," Sirius growled. "And I always manage to thrash your sorry arse."

"Not tonight." Remus's grin deepened, and he swigged his beer. "Come on, quit stalling."

Sirius groaned and put his head in his hands. "Winner's dare. What a stupid rule. Who the hell thought of that one?"

"Jamie, that's who, and you know it."

"Great. Far be it from me to speak ill of the dead." He lifted his head and sighed. "Come on, Remus. Think of something else. I'll do anything. I'll drop my trousers to McGonagall. I'll wear all my clothes backwards for a week. Anything, please, just not this."

Lupin tilted his head and squinted as though considering. "No," he said at last. "I think I'm happy with this one."

Sirius scowled at him. "You hateful bastard. You've been planning this for some time, haven't you?"

"Who, me? Would I do that to you, Sirius? Would I do that to my best friend of thirty years, who painted my balls blue while I slept and told me I had the rare and dreaded testicle rot? Who leviosa'd my entire bed - with me in it, starkers I might add - right out the window and into the Hufflepuff common room in the middle of the night? I ask you. Would I do that to you?"

Sirius shook his head. "All these years. All these years it has escaped me what an unutterable, conniving, malicious, fucking little bastard you are."

Remus took another swig. "Trying to get on my good side won't get you out of this."

Sirius pushed back his chair and ran a hand through his hair. "And just how will you know if I've actually done it?"

Remus suppressed another grin. "Oh, I think I'll be able to tell right enough. If the howls of outrage echoing off the castle walls don't give it away, I expect I'll know when Madam Pomfrey summons me to the infirmary. Do you have any marks or distinguishing features that I should know about for the purpose of identifying your body?" He riffled the cards and began shuffling.

"Oh, very funny. That's bloody hilarious. Think I'm scared, do you? So that's it. You don't think I'm man enough. All right. All right then. I am man enough for this, and I'll prove it." He threw his arms wide. "I admit it - I lost fair and square, and I'll take the winner's dare like the man I am." He shrugged on his cloak and stood for a moment, contemplating the middle distance. He took a deep breath. "I. . . I will kiss Severus Snape."

Remus lifted his bottle to him. "With your sword or on it, mate. Go with God."

"Shield. It's with your shield or on it, you ignoramus. How am I supposed to return on my sword?"

Remus shrugged. "Guess that's for Snape to figure out. Impalement is probably his specialty."

Sirius nodded grimly, squared his shoulders, and slammed the door behind him. Remus chuckled long and low to himself as he began re-shuffling the cards.

* * *

"Come in."

Sirius pushed the door of Snape's office open slowly. No execution chamber could have looked more bleak to him. Briefly he ran through the alternatives in his head. Lying was looking pretty good right about now, but Remus would spot it a mile away. Snape was entirely capable of casting a life-threatening curse at him, or at the very least, of blasting him across the room. He fingered his wand under his cloak. Best to be prepared.

"Black." Snape said it like he had a foul taste in his mouth. He looked up from the cauldron he was standing over and wiped his stirring rod. "What on earth are you doing here, and at this hour? We don't start working on the Wolfsbane until tomorrow might. I thought you might have the consideration to spare me the affliction of your presence until the last possible moment."

Sirius edged inside the door and shut it quietly. "The Wolfsbane. Right. I had almost forgot."

Snape arched his eyebrow. "How unsurprising. You know, Black, this potion is going to require all of your limited concentration to brew. The headmaster has given me to understand you are determined to learn how to do this. I have reservations, of course, about whether someone of your mediocre competency ought even to attempt such a difficult and volatile potion, but I have been in this, as in all other instances, overruled." He wiped his hands and tossed the cloth on the counter. He lowered the fire on the cauldron and studied Black with a scowl. "Well? Was there something you wanted?'

"Um. Right. Well, I suppose I ought to get a head start on those ingredients. Perhaps before we start I should. . . I should familiarise myself more with what we will actually be doing. It's going to take the full twenty-seven days between now and the next moon to brew it, I understand. I'd better. . . well, perhaps I'd better take a look at that book again. You know, just to make sure I've got a handle on things."

Snape was looking at him oddly. "Black. Are you feeling all right?"

"Oh, shut up," he sighed. "Where's that book?"

"It's right here. And you'll keep a civil tongue in your head while you're in this office, mangy cur. I was just preparing the base for the potion, so we can start right in tomorrow night." Snape frowned as he watched the other man study the open page, squinting at it. Sirius looked up from his reading in surprise.

"Frangipore leaves?" he asked.

"Yes," acknowledged Snape. "It is surprising, isn't it? Naturally you would not expect to find them in a potion intended for consumption rather than topical application. But look here - the formic acid that is added on the twelfth day partially neutralises the poisonous quality of the frangipore. It's fascinating, really," he said, abstractedly, brushing a finger lovingly down the page. "The kind of interplay, I mean, that one finds in a potion of this complexity. It has a certain sinister beauty about it, all these poisons coming together to make something that gives life and health."

Sirius darted a look of some astonishment at him. For a minute there Snape had sounded as though he had actually forgotten to whom he was speaking. He cleared his throat.

"Snape."

Snape straightened and scowled again as though he did not appreciate being jarred out of his reverie. "What is it?"

"I didn't actually come here to talk about the Wolfsbane."

"Oh?"

"No. I came here. . . I came to. . . oh, hell. This really isn't going very well at all, is it."

"Black? What on earth are you on about?"

"I. . ." He met Snape's eyes and stilled his breathing. Be quick, be daring, be gone. "The truth is, I came to do this."

He closed the distance between them with a half step and brushed his mouth against Snape's in an unmistakable kiss. Snape reared back in astonishment and stared at him, wild-eyed. So far, so good, Sirius thought. You've fulfilled the letter of the law. Now get out of here before his brain kicks back in gear and he remembers where he put his wand.

But Snape showed no sign of moving, or even breathing. Their eyes blinked at each other. For what reason he never knew, Sirius leaned in again, and pressed his mouth once more against those full lips, nudging at them. He felt Snape hesitate, felt the shiver run through him. And then Snape was moving his lips, dear God he was opening them. Sirius shot his tongue inside, and he could not restrain a groan at the warm roughness of Snape's tongue against his. Sweet Christ, but it felt good. He pulled Snape against him and deepened the kiss, exploring that delicious mouth. So good. He could feel his own breathing accelerate, and could feel the quickening rise and fall of Snape's chest against his. Snape's chest. Oh God, what was wrong with him that this was getting him hard as a rock? He needed to get closer, and he needed it now. He brought his hands up to Snape's neck, cradling his head as he opened him wider, tasting that - what was it? Something spicy and distinctive, something sharp and rich and very Snapely and unbearably arousing, please God let him keep doing this, he thought as he twined their tongues together, pushing their hips closer, and he heard his own moan as their cocks brushed, so good so good so good-

Snape was shoving him roughly away, the back of his hand at his mouth, staring at the floor, panting. "I - excuse me," he said, stiffly. He strode quickly across the room to the basin and bent over it. With a wrenching groan, he heaved the entire contents of his stomach into it. When he had nothing left to heave, he continued shaking and retching, bringing up only bile, but still the retching did not end. It was horrible to hear.

Sirius watched, quite still. After a bit he went out the side door to the potions storeroom and returned with a damp cloth and a glass of water. He set them down beside the basin.

"Snape," he said quietly. "Here, let me-" He reached for his face with the cloth. Snape knocked away his hand.

"Get out of here, Black," he said hoarsely, not raising his head. "Get out."

"You'll need to drink some of this. You have to have something to throw up or you'll tear your stomach apart. Drink it down." He handed him the glass. Snape knocked it to the floor. It shattered, and water splashed Sirius's shoes.

"I said, get out," he said weakly. Another fit of retching seized him, and he bent double over the sink, clutching its sides. His back shook with the force of it, and his hands were trembling violently. "Damn it to hell," he gasped between hacks.

Sirius just watched. When at last it was over, Snape slumped against the sink, head bowed. Gently Sirius lifted his head and wiped his face, brushing the sweat-damp locks of hair out of his eyes. He fetched another glass and filled it with fresh water. Snape seemed to have no more resistance left in him. He accepted the water and drank it down, though his fingers still shook too much for him to hold it. Sirius dragged a chair closer and guided him to it. Snape made no objection.

They stayed that way quietly for a few minutes. Snape's breathing slowed and evened. Sirius stood leaning against the counter, thinking. After several minutes Snape rose and made his way across the room, back to the cauldron. He re-ignited the fire and picked his stirring rod back up.

"Go on, Black, get out of here," he said faintly. "You've had enough amusement for one night, I expect. You'll have quite the tale to tell. Now go on and get the hell out of here."

Still Sirius said nothing. He set the glass down and watched Snape for another minute. Then he silently glided out of the room, closing the door firmly but quietly behind him.

* * *

"Ah. Hail the conquering hero!" Remus called as the door blew open. "So. Did you actually do it?"

Sirius collapsed in the chair, still wrapped in his cloak. "Yeah. I did it. Now deal the fucking cards."

Remus studied his friend's unreadable face. "Sirius. Everything all right?"

"Sure. Absolutely. Everything's bloody fantastic. Now give me the goddamn cards."

"All right," he said slowly.

They played in silence, and Sirius took the hand easily. Their conversation for the rest of the night was sporadic, and general in nature. There was no more talk that night of winner's dare, no matter who lost or how many times, and Sirius's eyes were far away.

* * *

**Day Three**

"So you can see," Snape was saying, bending over the cauldron, sniffing its greenish depths, "how the slightest variation in timing here would have disastrous results. Inevitably, one becomes immersed in other things, so it might be a good idea, when you are brewing this on your own, to spell a clock to remind you of when the next ingredient is to be added."

Sirius wrinkled his nose. "Good God. Is it going to smell that awful when it's finished?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so. Generally, about the thirteenth day I place a filter over top of the cauldron. This allows it to simmer, but cuts down on some of the more noxious fumes. Day fifteen is the most difficult in terms of the smell, and on that day you will want to make sure you do not spend too much time near the cauldron. The fumes can cause temporary unconsciousness at that point, if inhaled too deeply. Open a window, if you can, and if you can screen your window to prevent the entry of particulates."

Sirius scribbled notes as Snape began scooping some of the potion on a ladle, letting it drip back into the cauldron, watching it carefully. "What you are looking for here, Black, is just the right consistency. Not too thick, not too thin. A bit like half-formed custard."

Sirius gave a little smile at the thought of Snape making custard. He flicked his eyes to Snape, who was absorbed in the cauldron, then down again to the beetle legs he was to dice. In the three days since they had begun this project, Snape had not once, by word or manner, referred to what had passed between them three nights ago. He had confined himself to comments on the potion, and so far had not been actively rude. Almost as though rudeness were an intimacy he would not allow himself.

Sirius diced for a bit in silence. He picked up a pile of the legs and carefully deposited it on the tiny brass scale. He bent and squinted at it, tapping the weight.

"Here." Snape reached over top of him and adjusted the weight. "It has a bit of a trick to it."

"Oh. Thanks."

"It occurs to me, Black," Snape said with a hint of amusement, "that you might be well served by a pair of spectacles."

"Glasses?" Sirius straightened. "Perish the thought. I intend to cling to my faded youth until the bitter end."

Snape gave a faint snort but did not otherwise respond. Sirius frowned. All this careful courtesy on Snape's part, this refusal to take a whack at a perfectly good set-up, was disturbing. It was beginning to wear on him, too.

"You know, Snape," he said cautiously. "I think perhaps you ought to see Madam Pomfrey. If you're not feeling any better than you were the other night, that is."

Snape halted in his chopping, but only momentarily. "I appreciate your concern, Black," he said frostily. "But I am quite fine. A lingering touch of the `flu, I think. Now, if you have those legs prepared, we ought to grind them a bit. Reducing them to powder makes the subsequent - "

"Bullshit."

Snape froze. "I beg your pardon?"

"I said, bullshit," Sirius repeated softly. "You're talking to someone who spent twelve years in Azkaban, remember? I know a reaction to trauma when I see one."

Snape paled and narrowed his eyes to slits. "Get out of my office, Black."

"Oh, come on, Snape, don't-"

"Get out!" he roared. His breath was coming rapidly, his fists clenching and unclenching. "Get out of my office, you ill-mannered, you un-in- get out!"

Sirius picked up his cloak without another word and shut the office door behind him. He leaned against the wall for a minute as he thought. Bloody hell. That had been one of his more spectacular bungles. He wrapped his cloak tightly about him and headed down the passage for the side entrance that led across the grounds to Hogsmeade. A pint of butterbeer, or something stronger, was just what he needed.

* * *

He managed to find a quiet corner at the Three Broomsticks in a darkened part of the room. There were enough patrons tonight to ensure that he could lurk in solitude, nursing his drink and thinking. He lit a cigarette and propped his feet on the opposite chair, letting his hair fall a bit in his face. He took a long drag and practised a smoke ring. Too hard with a cigarette. Where on earth was his pipe these days, he wondered. That gave just the sort of sinuous smoke necessary for really optimal smoke rings.

He let his mind worry the question of Snape for a minute. Really, what the hell did he care? He re-played the scene of three nights ago in his head. He had successfully kissed Snape. A respectable peck on the lips that certainly fit the parameters of the winner's dare. Why then. . . what had made him try for more? Sirius was comfortable with a degree of self-scrutiny most people shied away from, and all too aware of his darker impulses. But this one he could not place. Maybe he had wanted to see if Snape would really let him do it. Maybe he had wanted that little victory, to see Severus Snape wanting it. From him. But it was Snape's eyes he could not get out of his head. Those startled, pitch-black holes, looking at him as if he. . . as if. . . I don't know what, Sirius thought ruefully. Maybe he had kissed him again to find out.

And the kiss itself. . . no question about it, it had been good. Quite good, really. A few more minutes of it, in fact, and he would have been sweeping that counter clean and pushing Snape up against it. And Snape. . . Snape had reciprocated. He remembered the way Snape's tongue had swept against his, how Snape had responded to every nuance of movement, how he too had been panting and breathless, fingers trembling against Sirius's back. And then. . . _excuse me_, he had said. As though he were stepping out for a bit of air, and not racing across the room to hurl his intestines into a basin.

Sirius ran a hand through his hair. Fuck it. What did it matter. It wasn't important. So kissing made Snape throw up. Well, that seemed cosmically appropriate, somehow. The thought of kissing Snape made a lot of people want to throw up. _But not you_, the irritating voice inside him said. _You want him to do it again_. Sirius took a long drag. So what if I do? he thought. So what if I do. He smashed his cigarette against his shoe and tossed it on the floor. He stood up and made for the little stairway in the back, heading up to his room. He didn't bother to undress, but laid himself down as he was, wrapped in his cloak, staring at the ceiling.

Twenty-four days to the full, he thought. Twenty-four days.

* * *

**Day Five**

"One of the temptations can be, once the base is prepared and things are going well, to prepare the ingredients well beforehand and thus save oneself some time. However, even an ingredient as seemingly involatile as the beetle legs you were working on the other night can, if stored too close to sunlight, begin to desiccate, throwing off the careful weight measurements. So I would recommend preparing ingredients no more than a day ahead of time." Snape was rolling a large chopping knife across some leaves as he spoke.

Sirius finished writing and looked up. "You know, Snape," he said. "You're actually not a bad teacher. If you taught your students like this instead of terrorising the piss out of them, they might actually learn something."

"Sod off, Black," he muttered, sweeping the leaves to one side and shaking out a fresh bundle.

Sirius set his notes aside and came over to observe. "No, I mean it," he said quietly, watching the even roll of the knife. "I've learned more in the last few days with you than I think Guffries taught me in seven years."

"Guffries was an idiot."

"I think he might have actually hated you worse than he hated me." Sirius chuckled softly. "I think he sat up of nights tearing his hair out that a Slytherin was top of the Potions class. Say what you like about the man, he could hate Slytherin with the best of them."

Snape snorted. "Yes, I'm sure seven years of his vindictive torture of me is nothing but a heartwarming reminiscence to you, Black."

Sirius's smile faded. "No, actually. Guffries was a bastard." He crossed his arms and frowned. "And I hated the way he treated you."

A slight hitch in the knife's movement that might have been imaginary. "He was no worse than you."

"Bullshit. You gave as good as you got. The shit we gave each other, that was between equals. The shit he gave you was just sadism."

"Hmph." Snape swept all the leaves together and pulled the large stone mortar over to him. "You speak of sadism like it's a bad thing."

Sirius watched him pound the first handful of leaves, powdering them. "Do you want me to do that?"

Snape shrugged and handed him the pestle, watching him closely. "Have a care with some of the juicier leaves - you don't want to catch that in the eye."

"Relax, Snape. I'm not a total incompetent." Snape cocked an eyebrow at that, but said nothing. For long minutes there was only the grind of stone on stone. "Snape," Sirius said after a while.

"Hm."

He kept his voice very quiet. "Is there any chance in hell of that ever happening again?" He was careful not to stop the motion of the pestle or look up. The pause stretched to a silence, and still he kept on pounding and grinding, and kept on not looking up. Wait for it, he thought. Just wait for it.

"I can't think why you would want a repeat of your little joke, Black." Snape's tone was cold and distant, but Sirius heard the catch behind it. Heard it and kept on with his task.

"It wasn't a joke."

"You're lying."

Sirius let the pestle clatter at that. He stood for a moment, thinking. "Shall I tell you the truth, Snape? Really?"

Snape's eyes were hooded pits. "I doubt you are capable of honesty, Black."

"Not capable of honesty. That's a good one coming from you, that really is."

"Ah yes, here it comes. The requisite Death Eater insult. What conversation would be complete without it? The perfect complement to your elegant banquet of insults, the piquant sauce on your roast pheasant of vituperative self-righteousness."

"The-" An odd look came over Sirius's face. "Did you say-" He collapsed against the counter, wheezing with laughter. "The _what_ of my. . . _what_?" He doubled over, howling.

Snape scowled. "The point is-"

"Right, right, just give me a minute. All right then." Sirius straightened and looked at Snape, then burst out again, spluttering. "Sorry, sorry," he gasped. "Won't happen again. Carry on, carry on. Roast pheasant. I'm listening. No, not yet," he said, and turned around to clutch the counter for round three, giving in to full-throated guffaws now, wiping his eyes.

"Attempting to have a conversation with you is hopeless, Black." Snape gathered himself stiffly and marched out of the room, through the door that led to his quarters.

"Oh, come on, Snape, it was funny," Sirius called, still grinning. "Snape? Come on, Snape."

He sighed and picked up his cloak from the chair. "Fine, fine," he called, loud enough to be heard through the door. "I'll just go have myself a nice slice of vituperative self-righteousness. With a piquant sauce, too. Should that be a truffle sauce, do you think, or-oh, never mind." He shook his head and went out the other door, still chuckling softly to himself all the way down the corridor.

* * *

**Day Six**

"Right, so I'm looking back over my notes, and I've got it down here that the hippogriff urine is to be added just before the manticore extract, but a couple of pages later it looks like they are added simultaneously, and-"

"Oh, of all the incompetent errors to make. I should have thought even you, Black, would be capable of paying enough attention to know-" He dropped his knife with a clatter as a little arc of blood spattered the cutting board.

"Fuck," Black muttered, springing to his feet. Snape was fumbling for a cloth. Sirius grabbed it and Snape's hand in one swift motion. He wrapped the cloth tightly around his hand and reached for the pitcher of water.

"Come on, let's get this rinsed off."

Snape attempted to jerk his hand back. "Yes, I know what to do, Black, now just leave me-"

"Alone, yeah, I get it. So you can clean your wound with one hand. Now shut up and hold that over here."

The blood was rapidly soaking the cloth. Sirius pulled it quickly away and doused the hand with water to flush it of contaminants. The slice was deep and clean across the hand. He pressed the cloth back and held Snape's hand above his shoulder.

"Right, the thing to do is get this sealed as soon as possible. You're bleeding rather heavily, which isn't a wonder considering you tried to take off your hand. You may have nicked an artery there, I'd say from the spray pattern. Hold still now. "

"Pomfrey-"

"Just shut up a minute. Pomfrey's four floors away and I'm right here. And this happens to be something I can do. Hold still, I said." Sirius tightened his grip on Snape's hand and extracted his wand. Snape tried to jerk away, but his hand was held in an iron grip. "So help me, Snape, if you don't hold still-"

He quickly peeled away the cloth and laid the hand on top of it. The blood was gushing from underneath the thumb in dark bubbles. The cut went up in a deep arc across the middle of the hand, and Sirius could tell at a glance it had grazed the bone as well as sliced a tendon. "Hold still, goddamnit!"

He trained his wand on the wound. He let his eyes half-close as he concentrated, murmuring the words softly to himself. He drew in breath and exhaled slowly, feeling the power pulse through the tip of his wand as it sealed sinew and flesh. It took all his concentration. When the hand was clean and whole he looked up. Snape's eyes were wide on him.

"Good as new," he said with a little smile, and turned to wash his hands of the blood at the sink. He wet a fresh cloth and wiped Snape's hand. Snape was frowning at him. "Oh, don't look at me that way, Snape. There are one or two things I'm good at, you know."

"I did not know you had had any mediwizard training," Snape said quietly, watching Black clean his hand.

Sirius's smile became grim. "Yeah. Well, it wasn't what you would call conventional training." He ripped a piece of cloth and gently bound the hand, wrapping the bandage around it. "The skin is healed, but it's new, so you'll want not to strain it, if you can. Best to keep it covered for about twenty-four hours. It should be fine after that."

Snape nodded, examining the skilful makeshift binding. "Black. Did you learn to do this in Azkaban?"

Sirius hesitated. "I did. The mediwizard who worked in the infirmary there needed an assistant. I was sane, and had a fairly good behavioural record. He taught me things, and I helped out occasionally.

Snape flexed his hand. "That was quite good," he said wonderingly, looking at his hand. "A good behavioural record, you said. How peculiar. I wouldn't have thought they would ever let you out of your cell. Of course," he mused, "from a warden's point of view, I suppose a prisoner's crime must matter less than his present behaviour. And naturally everyone in Azkaban would have been considered a violent offender to start with, so-"

"Shut up, Snape."

Snape looked up, startled. An unaccustomed look came over his face. He rose and returned to the cauldron. "Now, the question of the hippogriff urine and manticore extract." He leafed through his notes. "Some confusion is perhaps understandable, given that various sources disagree here. But I have found that these two substances work best if added almost simultaneously. I say almost, because you will want to begin with the extract, just a few drops of it, stirring as you go. Only then should you start adding the hippogriff urine, a little at a time, and alternating it with the manticore extract. Do you follow?"

"I think I can keep up, yes."

Snape flicked his eyes to him and looked as if he were about to say something else, but he dropped his eyes again. "Very well. Why don't you take over the chopping then, while I look over some papers."

"Sure." Sirius picked up the knife and started in on the shrivelfigs.

* * *

**Day Eight**

"Everything all right?"

Snape glanced up from his desk, squinting over top of a mountain of parchment. He rubbed his forehead. "What?"

Sirius dropped his cloak on the chair and looked about him. The cauldron was on simmer, and no ingredients were scattered about, ready to be diced, sliced, pounded, or skinned. Except for Snape's desk, the office was in the greatest state of order he had yet seen.

"Nothing much to do tonight, I take it? With the Wolfsbane, that is?"

"Oh. No, nothing is required for a bit but simmering. It goes in bursts like that." Snape sighed and tossed another parchment on the stack to his left. Sirius stretched out in the chair beside the desk and plucked an essay off the top.

"_The Uses and Properties of the Emendragorum Elixir_, by Fiona Coddleston-Fettway,'" he read. He grimaced. "How many of these have you got?"

"Too many. Now leave me in peace so I can get some work done."

"Why don't you let me help? I may not be a Potions master, but I think I know enough to wade through - what are these, third year essays? And I can recognise a fair butchery of the English language when I see it. Come on, hand me a quill," he insisted.

"Don't be ridiculous."

"Oh, come on. I can be just as nasty as you, I'll wager. The little darlings will never even know the difference. And I'm just aching to have a crack at Miss Coddleston-Fettway here." He gave Snape his most dashing grin, which was wasted because Snape did not look up.

"No," he said, continuing to scrawl in the margins of the essay he was grading.

Sirius sighed. "All right, have it your way. Shall I entertain you then?"

"Black. Which part of `leave me in peace' was unintelligible to you?"

He considered. "The last bit."

Snape did look up at that. "What?"

"I said, the last bit. Peace. You want me to leave you in peace, but the trouble is, you don't look like you've got any lying around here. And I don't really think that my departure is going to help there."

Snape rubbed his forehead again. "Black. The one muscle in my head that was not throbbing before you walked in here has just begun to spasm. I shall never get anything done if you persist in bothering me." He scowled and narrowed his eyes at Sirius. "Go away."

Sirius ignored him and continued to scroll though Miss Coddleston-Fettway's essay. Snape shook his head and went back to his work. Sirius set the essay back on the stack and picked up another one, studying it intently. Snape glanced at him as he worked, but did not disturb the silence. He was through the Hufflepuffs when Sirius spoke.

"You know, Snape, I don't actually think you are a bad teacher."

Snape's gaze could have curdled Flobberworms. "I knew there was a reason I got out of bed this morning. Somehow, your approval makes it all worthwhile."

"Oh, sod off. These essays aren't bad, is all I'm saying. Certainly better than anything we - well, our year with the exception of you - could have produced at that age."

"Hmph."

"I'll just take that as Snapish for `thank you for the compliment.'" He shuffled through a few more essays, then got up and went to the bookshelf. Snape's eyes followed him as he selected a book and resettled himself in the chair by the desk. Snape opened his mouth to say something, then shut it again. Sirius propped his feet up and began to read. After a few more nervous glances, Snape ignored him and continued plowing through the avalanche of parchment in front of him. The silence that stretched was not uncomfortable, if not exactly companionable. When he was halfway through the Gryffindors, Snape looked up.

"If you are actually interested in early medieval re-interpretations of classical potions, Black, I have a much more readable volume on the subject over there."

"Oh?" Sirius ran a hand across his eyes. "Much as it pains me, you may be right, Snape. Perhaps glasses are not so out of the question as they once were. Would this other volume have larger print, by any chance?"

Snape pushed back his chair with a disdainful smile. "As it happens, yes. And it's a lighter book, too, so you needn't strain your weakened muscles trying to hold it up. It's just over here," he said, running his finger along the spines. "Now, where did I see it? I had it just the other night."

Sirius peered over his shoulder. "How you find anything in this jumble amazes me." He slipped his book back onto the shelf beside Snape's hand, its finger tapping the shelf impatiently. He did not even stop to think, but covered Snape's hand with his.

For a moment neither of them moved. Deliberately Sirius let his thumb stroke the back of Snape's hand. Snape had gone very still, and Sirius had a shot of fear that Snape would wrench his hand away and run for the basin again. The world had gone motionless, it seemed, but for Sirius's slowly stroking thumb.

He lifted the hand and turned it over, examining the freshly healed skin. He ran his thumb across the palm, and Snape flinched but did not withdraw his hand. Sirius turned and met his eyes.

"Is this all right?" he asked quietly, loosely cradling Snape's hand in both his. Snape's eyes were a hooded darkness. He saw him wet his lips before he answered.

"Yes."

"Good."

"Black." He saw Snape swallow. "Black, why are you doing this?"

Sirius studied Snape's hand in his. Broad, with calloused pads on the first and third fingers. Warm. He turned it and examined the palm again. "I gave you a new lifeline," he murmured.

"I beg your pardon?"

"This line here - your lifeline. You probably didn't take Palmistry in school, did you? That's a pity - it was the best place after Divination for catching up on much-needed sleep. And the part of the class that wasn't asleep - well, I can tell you it wasn't Professor Carpalia's hands we were looking at. Anyway," he frowned. "I - I think I'm straying off-topic here."

"Black, are you completely and totally insane?"

Sirius dropped his hand. "That's the question, isn't it," he replied softly. He studied the floor. "That's the question. Except you've got it backwards, I think. It ought to be: are you completely and totally sane? We both know that your question - well, it's, it's rhetorical." He paused. "Mine - mine really isn't, is it. And we - you and I, that is, not Remus or Harry or even Albus - we, I was saying. . ." He pressed his fingers to his temple as though he felt sudden pain. "We both know the answer to it," he said hoarsely.

There was no sound but their breathing as Sirius watched the floor and Snape watched Sirius. Long minutes of nothing stretched. When Snape did finally speak, the sound was startling to both of them.

"No one will ever know."

Sirius's eyes sought Snape's. "What do you mean?"

"I mean both things you think I mean. I mean that no one else will ever be able to detect it, Black. No one can see it. You've covered well. No one will know. And I mean that no one will know because I will never say anything."

Sirius dropped his eyes in shame.

"For the record, Black. . ." Snape squinted at something far away. "Let me say that if I thought your occasional difficulties posed any danger to those around you, I would never have agreed to brew a dangerous and volatile potion with you. And also. . ." He sighed. "Though I'm sure I will regret saying this, complete and total sanity is. . . highly overrated."

The corner of his lip quirked, and met Sirius's slow smile. "But you still didn't answer my question, Black."

"No, I slipped right out of that one, didn't I? I was wondering if you'd notice."

"I did."

Sirius's smile faded. "Right. Why am I doing this. I suppose the answer is. . . because the most amazing kiss of my adult life was given to me by Severus Snape, and I'd like to know what the hell that means."

Snape frowned, reflecting. "I think it means, Black, that most of your adult life has been spent in prison."

Sirius laughed out loud, leaning against the bookshelf. He let the laughter well up inside him, puddling warm in his belly. He looked up in surprise to hear the rich, low tones of Snape's chuckle, which somehow struck him as even funnier. He clutched himself and laughed some more, letting it wash over him, and slid to the floor, his back against the bookcase. Snape settled his long limbs beside him.

"You know what we ought to do, Snape? We ought to get drunk together. I have this sudden suspicion that would be. . . an incredibly hilarious event. To think, all these years, I never knew you had a sense of humour."

"It's hidden right behind my spontaneity and bonhomie."

"Was it because it was me?" Sirius asked suddenly, forgetting that Snape might not be following the veer conversations sometimes took in his head. Apparently he was, though, for he was shaking his head.

"No," Snape said. "It wasn't because it was you."

"I know. Just checking. What I'd really like to do right now, Snape, is to figure out an exceptionally smooth way to touch you, but none are leaping to mind. Can you think of any?"

Snape studied their hands side by side on the floor. "What you did earlier. . ." he said, hesitantly. "That was. . . not so bad."

Sirius nodded gravely. He picked up Snape's hand and held it in his. "All right then." He brushed his thumb across the hand, as he had before. "So far, so good." He lifted the hand to his mouth and grazed his lips across it. "How's that?"

"That's. . . fine as well."

"Snape. May I. . . may I kiss you? Just a little," he said quickly. "It doesn't have to be like before, if you don't want."

Snape gave a half-nod. "Yes, that would be. . . I think that would be all right."

Sirius leaned in and let his lips brush against Snape's jaw. The end of the day stubble scratched his lower lip. He let himself have one kiss, then two. He stopped and pulled back when the warm rasp of Snape's skin, the pulse beneath his neck, the sweet-sour taste of sweat and herbs threatened to pull him in. He was unsettled by the sudden jolt to his groin, and the sudden need to crawl on top of Snape and fuck him on the stone flags until neither of them could breathe. Slowly, slowly, he thought. He pulled back and smiled.

"All right?"

"Yes." Snape's voice was tight, and he wished he knew enough to know if it was arousal or fear.

"Snape. If you want, I can go now. Or I can stay, and nothing else has to happen. I don't. . . there's no goal in mind here, if that's what you're worried about."

"Isn't there?"

Sirius opened his mouth to reply but Snape cut him off. "The things you want, Black, I am not going to be able to give you."

He opened his mouth again and stopped. The things he wanted. What were those again? He gave a bitter laugh. "The things I want, Snape, no one can give me. I want the last fifteen years never to have happened. I want my life erased. I want it to be May the fourth, 1975, and I want to be fifteen years old again, and I want the weather to be glorious, and I want. . . oh Jesus, how I want." He shut his eyes and let his head fall against the bookcase. "The things I want, Snape. . . I want to stop you after the Quidditch match and say `that was some bloody amazing flying, Snape,' and I want to tell Guffries where to get off, and I want Peter never, never, to have walked into that pub and talked to Rosier, and I want to have said yes when James and Lily asked me to baby-sit that night, oh fucking God I want to have said yes to that more than I want anything in this world, I want the three of them all to be alive together and me to be the one that's dead. So no, Snape, I would have to agree that the things I want you will not be able to give me."

"Well," Snape said after a bit. "As long as that's clear then." He stood and offered his hand to Sirius. "That's killing my back. Come on, get up off that floor. I don't know why we're sitting there anyway." He hauled Sirius to his feet and began making his way back to his desk. He landed heavily in his desk chair and sighed. "Is it possible this stack of essays has grown?"

Sirius stood by the door. "I'll leave you to it, then, Snape. Though my offer still stands to grab a quill and have at it."

"No, no, you go on. I might just save myself the trouble and fail everybody."

"Tomorrow night, then?"

Snape looked up. "You know, Black, for the next few days there isn't much to do with the Wolfsbane other than to let it simmer. As I said, these things go in bursts. It really isn't necessary that you come each evening."

"I understand that. Do you want me to stay away, then?"

Snape glanced up from his essay. "What? No, that isn't what I meant at all. I merely said. . ." He took a breath. "Tomorrow night would be fine."

"Tomorrow night, then."

"Good night, Black."

"Good night, Snape."

* * *

**Day Nine**

This time when he pushed back the door, Snape was at a cauldron. Not the one where the Wolfsbane sat quietly roiling, but a smaller one on the opposite counter. He did not look up as Sirius hung his cloak on the peg, but continued to chew his lip and frown at the gelatinous sludge gurgling in the cauldron beneath him. Sirius peered over his shoulder.

"Hard day at the office?"

"You've no idea. You'll want to step out of the way, I'm about to incinerate this cauldron. I am perfecting a curse for just such a situation as this, in which potion, cauldron, and wizard go up together in a fiery cloud of smoke and thunder. I am considering calling it the Longbottom hex."

Sirius smiled and slipped his arms about Snape's waist. He felt Snape stiffen and freeze. "I'm sorry. Is this not all right?"

"Ah. . . no, that's fine. I just. . . wasn't expecting it."

"All right." Casually Sirius let his arms fall. "Perhaps I should ask before I do something, then."

"I. . . no, I didn't. . . that is. . ." Snape ran a hand over his face. "Blast. Please. . . put your arms as they were."

"Happy to oblige." Sirius let his arms rest gently about Snape's waist and deflected the conversation. "So. What exactly is it that has you so bollocksed up?"

Snape paused. "You know, there's no possible way I can concentrate with you. . . doing that."

"Sorry." Sirius dropped his arms again.

"No, no. This particular project is hardly deserving of further concentration anyway." He killed the fire and tossed a cloth over the cauldron's top. "Short of a proper burial, that's the best I can do. Now. Your hands, I believe, were here." Snape turned around and replaced Sirius's hands. They were face to face now.

"Indeed they were. But perhaps they might like to roam a little." Sirius let his hands run up Snape's back. "You know," he mused, "short of actually growing an exoskeleton, I don't see that you could possibly be wearing any more clothes. Which, I imagine, is rather the point."

He contemplated Snape's eyes. "Might I do that thing again. . ." he began.

"Yes," murmured Snape. Sirius bent his head and brushed his lips along Snape's jaw as he had before. He let himself stray a little closer to the mouth. Not enough to make Snape nervous, but enough that if he wanted to. . . Snape turned his head and took Sirius's mouth in his. Sirius went absolutely still and let him take the lead, opening to the gentle, hesitant explorations of Snape's tongue. Christ, but he was hard as a rock. He kept his hands loosely at Snape's waist, resisting the urge to dig his fingers in and crush their hips together, to give his cock the friction it was beginning to ache for. Just breathe, he reminded himself.

Snape broke off and held him at arm's length. He watched Snape's face carefully. Controlled and impassive, as before. Which meant, he was learning, terrified. Terrified of what? Not the touching. He hadn't been afraid or panicked when he had been touched, not really. But when things got going - of course, Sirius thought. It isn't my arousal that terrifies him. It's his own.

"Severus, look at me."

Snape's eyes had gone dodgy, and he wondered if he was shying at the name. He waited until the eyes were full on him, only darting away for a few seconds here and there. "Snape. Listen to me. There's nothing wrong in wanting this. In wanting me. Please give me your hand. I want to show you something." He took Snape's hand and placed it over the swelling mound of his erection, letting him feel the stiffness beneath. He resisted the temptation to cup his hand there and grind into it. God, this would be the death of him.

"Do you feel my wanting you, Severus? Do you feel what you do to me?"

Snape tore away and stood several paces from him, breathing hard. "No," he said, his teeth clenched. "I didn't do that. That isn't-it isn't my fault. Don't try to blame it on me."

Sirius blinked. What the hell had happened? "Blame-blame you?" he said. "I. . ." He shut his eyes when he saw his blunder. Black, you idiot. "No, of course I didn't mean that. I feel what I feel because of me, because I'm the one wanting you. And that's a good thing. I love that I want you, Snape. Do you understand that? I absolutely love it."

Snape nodded. "Yes, yes, of course," he said. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so foolish. I should. . . I have the rest of those essays to mark. I really ought to get back to them."

"All right." Sirius kept his voice even. He grabbed Snape's hand as he brushed past. "May I come back, then?"

Snape looked at their hands. "Yes," he said simply.

"Good night, then."

"Good night."

* * *

**Day Thirteen**

The next few evenings followed much the same pattern. Sirius would arrive, they would chat for a bit, they would touch, they would kiss, Sirius would let him take the lead, and inevitably Snape would reach the point at which he pushed him away. The minute his arousal threatened to overtake him, probably, Sirius thought, reflecting on it.

He stared at the peeling paint on the ceiling of his little room above the pub, meditating on the mystery of Snape. He ignored the larger mystery of why exactly getting Snape to touch him, and want to touch him, was becoming the ruling passion of his life. Every night Snape had broken it off just as things were starting to move along, and just as his own frustrated arousal was springing to life. This evening had been no different. I'm getting bloody tired of wanking, Sirius thought with a sigh.

The first night or so the long walk back to Hogsmeade in the damp had cured him of his erection. But no more. All Snape had to do was breathe in his general direction now, and his cock throbbed. And he was barely able to get back to his room here before freeing himself and stroking his cock to desperate release, lost in thoughts of Snape's lips and hands and tongue, the smell of his neck, the feel of the slight stubble on his jaw. And all he had to do was imagine Snape in orgasm, his head thrown back, his throat groaning for release, and he would come in a white flood over his hand, panting and shaking.

It's like being bloody sixteen again, he thought ruefully. He contemplated the humour of traveling back in time to tell his sixteen year old self that all these years later he would be lying on his bed, coming in his hand to thoughts of fucking Snape. Then again, he thought, I might not have had such a hard time believing it. The time after that Quidditch match in sixth year, when they had come out of the locker rooms at the same time. Slamming Snape against the wall. _You lay a fucking hand on me again, I'll kill you, Gryff_. Watching Snape in History of Magic, when everyone else was asleep. Wondering how he maintained that quiet concentration all the time. A frisson of wondering what it must feel like to be the object of that concentration. Seeing Lucius nudge him, and the faint quick look of distaste on Snape's face, and the queer satisfaction that gave him, to know Malfoy was probably wanting something he couldn't have. No, it might not have surprised him all that much.

An idea came to him, and he sat up. It might work. If Snape balked each time at the touching, perhaps it was time to stop the touching. Perhaps he ought to try a different approach altogether. He frowned, testing his idea from several angles. It just might work, at that.

* * *

**Day Fourteen**

"As you recall from last night, Black, the filter serves to contain the more noxious fumes. I would advise not removing the filter during the fourteenth day, if possible. The antimony extract can be prepared separately, and then added on the fifteenth day. You'll want a smaller cauldron for that, of course, but a much higher temperature fire. The process is not unlike preparing-"

"Custard?"

Snape narrowed his eyes. "I was going to say, preparing the separate elements of the Quadryllium potion. But custard will do as well."

Sirius smiled and jotted in his notebook. "I'll bet you make a mean custard, Snape."

"Oh, shut up. Here, skin these."

"God, I hate shrivelfigs. You know, I had no idea what a pain in the arse this potion is to make. Unless you happen to be an independently wealthy werewolf with a genius for potions, you really are out of luck, aren't you. Is there no way this stuff can be bottled?"

"Not and retain its effectiveness, no. You are right about the essential uselessness of the potion. It is much the same with any of the higher order potions that treat complex medical or magical conditions. They are all resistant to storage. The expense of the ingredients is one thing, but when added to the expense of preparation by a competent brewer, the cost places these potions well beyond the reach of those most in need of them." Snape was frowning as he made some notes. "It is a question that has interested me for some time, actually. You're skinning those too close."

Sirius sighed and started on the next bundle. "Is that what you were working on the other night?"

"Hm?"

"Over there. The brown sludge. It was a kind of preservative you were working on, wasn't it?"

Snape looked up in surprise. "Yes, actually. Though I can't say that it's going all that well. The idea should be simple enough. Enough of these potions share a base that coming up with a baseline preservative should not present that much of a challenge, and yet, almost a year after I started work, I am no further along." He tossed down his quill in frustration and rubbed his neck.

Sirius hesitated, then gave in. "May I?"

Snape shrugged. "Be my guest."

Sirius let his fingers settle along the stiff line of Snape's shoulders, running his thumbs up the back of his neck. The muscles felt like rock. "Tell you what, Snape. Let's leave things here for a bit and get you sitting down. I can work on your neck much better that way. Come on."

He led the way not to the chair by the desk but through the archway into the little sitting room. He sat himself on the antique sofa - long, stiff, and narrow, not unlike its owner, he thought with a smile. He patted the seat beside him. "Come on, Snape. Get comfortable and let me really get to work on that neck." Snape was standing in the doorway regarding him skeptically. "Black. Is this an utterly transparent attempt to remove to my private quarters?"

"What, you mean you weren't convinced by my suavity?" He saw the wariness in Snape's eyes. "Snape. Come on. I think you know by now I'm not going to do anything you don't want me to. Sometimes a neck massage is just a neck massage, you know."

"Said the swordsman to Anne Boleyn," Snape muttered.

"Sit your bony arse down."

Snape complied, still looking suspicious.

"Severus. I promise this is not a come-on, but if you don't remove at least a couple of layers of your exoskeleton, I'll never be able to reach your muscles."

"Oh, very well." Snape unbuttoned his waistcoat and tossed it on the chair opposite. He loosened the collar of his shirt and unbuttoned his cuffs. He turned his back to Sirius. "Are you satisfied?"

Sirius bit back his retort to that and started in on the shoulder muscles. How the man functioned like this he had no idea, but he must be in considerable pain. He slowed and deepened his massage, easing the muscles below the shoulders and up the spine. Snape let his head fall slightly forward.

"You know," Snape said into his chest. "The Boleyns are distant collateral relations of mine."

"Really."

"Really. Well, of my stepfather. I doubt there was a venerable family, Muggle or wizard, he didn't claim some descent from. There was some speculation, you know, that Anne herself may have been a witch. It cropped up in that family every few generations or so. She had no training, of course, so she can't have been much of a witch. But one of her great-uncles attended Hogwarts. Slytherin, naturally."

"Fascinating." Sirius stored away the reference to the stepfather he knew nothing about. "Was he pureblood then?"

"Anne's great-uncle?"

"No, your stepfather."

The muscles stiffened again. "Yes," came the curt reply. Sirius let it drop.

"Any more famous queens in your line I should know about?"

"Garden variety aristocrats, as far as I know. Which isn't to say they weren't the former as well."

Sirius smiled and started on the neck. Snape was leaning into him now. "Is this helping?"

"Mm. Yes. You're quite good."

"I know. Let your head drop now." He pushed his thumbs along the ridge of muscle beside the spinal column and wrenched a groan of pleasure from Snape that shot straight to his groin. Snape was continuing to make small noises that were unbearably arousing. He shifted a little to accommodate his swelling cock.

"So. Let's see. The only famous relation I can think of is Art O'Leary."

"Really." Snape sounded interested.

"On my mother's side, of course. She used to tell me these wonderful bedtime stories, all about the kings of Tara and Queen Maeve and Cuchulainn. I was enthralled. Anyway, she was an O'Leary, as she would be happy to remind anyone within earshot. Arthur was her great-great-great uncle or something like that."

"'Romantic Ireland's dead and gone, it's with O'Leary in the grave,'" Snape murmured. Sirius stopped.

"How do you-"

"You think I only read Potions textbooks?"

Sirius smiled. "No, I don't suppose you do."

Snape pulled away and stretched, rolling his head around. "My God. That's amazing. The improvement really is remarkable."

"You're welcome." Sirius leaned back into the sofa and watched him. Just watched. What would he do?

Snape turned and edged closer. He leaned hesitantly forward and brushed his lips against Sirius's. As before, Sirius closed his eyes and let Snape take the lead, never pushing. When Snape stopped, he opened his eyes and found Snape's eyes on him, questioning.

"Snape. There's something I would like to do." He saw the flash of fear that Snape quickly extinguished. "It's nothing that involves touching, or anything like that, I promise."

"Black. I would not have you think-" He paused. "I like the touching."

"I know that. I like it too. But I think you'll like this as well. Are you comfortable?"

"Yes, quite."

"Good. I'm actually a little warm. Do you mind if I take my shirt off?"

He saw Snape's irises darken slightly. "Not at all."

He unbuttoned his shirt and lifted it over his head. He felt Snape's eyes on him as he tossed his shirt aside. He leaned back against the sofa cushions. Snape's eyes trailed down his chest, with its light smattering of dark hair, to his abdomen and, for a fraction of a second, lower. Sirius made no effort to conceal his erection, which was outlined against his trousers.

"Snape." Snape's eyes jerked to his face. "If you want me to put my shirt back on, I will."

Snape shook his head.

"Do you mind if I do this?" He reached a hand down and rubbed it across the aching mound of his trousers.

Snape shook his head.

"May I unbutton my trousers?"

After the barest pause, Snape nodded. Sirius kept his eyes fastened on Snape's as he unbuttoned his trouser placket. The dark head of his erection was plainly visible through his underwear, and he saw Snape trying not to look.

"You can look, you know. I want you to."

Snape let his eyes wander down to his crotch. Sirius freed his cock and balls and lay back, feeling the weight of Snape's gaze. He could see the rise and fall of Snape's chest quicken.

"You have no idea what touching you does to me," he began in a hoarse voice. "If I brush against you, I'm hard as nails. And when we kiss. . . I go back to my room every night and touch myself, just thinking about you and what you do to me, what I'd like to do to you, what I'd like you to do to me."

He moved a slow hand up and down his shaft, just lazily. "It feels so good to touch myself like this, Severus. Does it feel good for you, too, when you do it? Please tell me."

Snape wet his lips and swallowed. "I try not to."

Sirius's hand faltered. "You try. . . not to?"

A flush spread on Snape's cheekbones. "But of late. . . I have. . . I have indulged."

"I see. You're thinking about the things we could do to each other, too. Would you like to watch what you do to me, Snape?"

Snape nodded. His breath was coming fast now. Sirius watched the movement of that chest as he stroked himself. "Mm. . . yes," he hissed, picking up speed. He let his head fall back against the cushions, and caught the clenching of Snape's hand.

"Here's something I've been thinking about a lot," Sirius resumed. His voice was a bit more choked now. "I've been thinking about how much I want to see what you look like when you come."

Snape's startled eyes shot to Sirius's face, but he said nothing.

"And I've been thinking. . .nnnh. . . I've been thinking about wrapping my mouth around you, and what you might taste like. What your voice would sound like when you come. And I've been thinking," he panted. "I've been thinking about touching you, about kissing not just your gorgeous mouth but every part of you, all up and down, your nipples - God, I bet they're sensitive, I bet I could make you come just from licking them. And your balls - God, I would lick them until you were moaning for more, and only then would I finally take you in my mouth, every inch of you even if it choked me, just to hear you. . . to hear you. . ."

Speech was becoming more difficult as he became lost in his fantasy, his hand moving faster, his eyes glazing. Snape was openly panting now, and when he tore open his trouser placket with one hand and freed his own erection Sirius felt the surge of his orgasm threatening him. Jesus no please wait, he thought, and he clamped down on it, never losing eye contact with Snape, who was stroking himself like mad in time to Sirius's hand.

"Oh fuck yes, you are so gorgeous," was spilling from his mouth. "Come with me, let me see you come. Do you feel my tongue on you, do you feel me touching you, can you feel my cock. . . oh God yes yes. . ." Snape's hand moved like lightning, his mouth was open and panting as he watched Sirius's hand fly up and down his shaft. Sirius reached a hand to cradle and squeeze his balls, and the sight brought a moan from Snape. Oh fuck, he's going to come, thought Sirius.

"Yes," he groaned. "Show me what you like, Severus, show me what you do to make yourself feel good, I want to see how you touch yourself. . . oh God oh God oh God," he panted, and the first wave of his orgasm tore through him, come spilling out his pulsing cock and over his hand. He heard a cry from Snape, and managed to focus his eyes long enough to see Snape biting his lip, his eyes wild and lost, shuddering hunched over his hand as his come spattered his trousers. The sight wrenched another wave of orgasm from Sirius, and he gave in to the delicious throb and pulse, watching the pleasure rip through Snape, watching the way he chewed his lip and gasped and bent almost double as it seized him.

When there was nothing but their slowing pants for air in the room, Sirius grabbed up his shirt and wiped himself with it. He looked over to where Snape sat on the opposite end of the sofa, spent and flushed and dazed, and his chest tightened at the beauty of it. He crawled over and gently wiped what he could of Snape's trousers with the mangled shirt, tucking him back in and buttoning him up as best he could. Only then did he look up.

"Please let me kiss you," he said hoarsely, and Snape's arms came around him firm and strong, pulling him in for a lazy, slow, sated kiss. Some new and strange emotion battered at Sirius's chest and shook him. He rested his forehead against Snape's and let himself be held there, trembling.

"All right?" Snape's baritone was a rumble in his ear.

"Yeah. Just. . . give me a minute. Besides, I'm supposed to be asking you that question."

Snape pulled back so their eyes were level. He ran a hand through the tangle of Sirius's hair. "I'm fine," he said softly. "Better than fine. That was. . . I've never done anything like that before."

"Neither have I, to tell the truth."

"Yes, but I mean. . . that sort of thing. . . with another person."

Comprehension dawned. "You mean you've never come with another person."

"Not. . . not really, I suppose."

Sirius wondered at the equivocation but did not remark on it. "Well. Just so you know. That was. . . intense, as these things go."

"Was it?"

"It was."

Snape was pulling him back down, and he let himself be settled on the rumpled linen of Snape's chest. Snape's long arms wrapped around his bare torso. Their first embrace of this sort. He felt them settling into it, the careful negotiation of limbs and angles. He breathed out and shivered.

"Cold?" _No, I'm fine_, he was about to say, but then Snape's arms wrapped even tighter and he nodded.

"Yeah," he whispered. "Yeah." He let his eyes drift shut and wondered how long Snape would let him stay like this, how long he could sustain or would allow the contact. Better send that shirt to the Hogwarts laundry, he mused. Wouldn't do to have Rosmerta's suspicious eyes washing it out. What with a castle full of frantically hormonal teenagers, the Hogwarts house elves probably had entire vats full of come-stained laundry to wash every week, anyway. One more wouldn't make a difference.

* * *

**Day Fifteen**

"Anyway, so Sirius says to the younger one, my mate and I live just around the corner here, so why don't you come back to our place for a bit?" Remus took another swallow of butterbeer and grinned. "And of course, I'm kicking him under the table, Sirius are you mad what are you doing, I'm trying to say, and he gives me this look, this quintessentially Sirius look of `what on earth's the matter with you, can't you just be cool here,' and he pays the barkeep and out the door we go with these two gorgeous women, I mean absolutely gorgeous - help me out here, Sirius, I'm not embellishing, am I, I mean they were unbelievable, there's no way they should even have been talking to us, really -"

"They were gorgeous," Sirius agreed. "And they weren't talking to us, they were talking to me. You were the Sensitive Friend."

"Does this story have a point?" Snape intervened.

"In fact, yes. So Sirius is chatting away as we're walking down the street with these women, and I'm thinking where the hell is he going? But of course I've learned by now to keep my mouth shut. And so all at once Sirius pipes up and says `well, here we are, home sweet home,' and I look up and we're at this unbelievably tony building, right across from the park, and he's inviting them to come up for a nightcap."

"Now in my defence I should say-"

"Who's telling this story? So I'm rolling my eyes, wondering what the hell is going on, and Sirius is acting like he hasn't a care in the world, involved in this rather intense intellectual conversation in the lift with - with the blonde one, I think-"

"Oh yes, quite the intellectual she was-"

"And we arrive at the top floor, and Sirius says half a mo, I'll just go unlock the door then, and he's off to the end of the hall, and I see him pull out his wand-"

"Maybe we could hurry over this part a little, Remus. . ."

"And he alohamora's the frigging door open, just like that. So I'm thinking, great, breaking and entering, that's it for us then, and I'm sure I must have been sweating like mad, but Sirius just grins like this is the most natural thing in the world, he's leading us in and switching on lights - and oh, you should have seen the faces of these women, this flat is gorgeous, it's floor to ceiling modern art and these sort of architectural looking chairs, and there's Sirius, as cool as you please, fixing everybody drinks, for Christ's sake-"

"Now, Remus, you make it sound worse than-"

"Oh, no one could do that. So just as I'm starting to think, all right, relax, maybe Sirius does know what he's doing here, and I'm starting to relax a little, too, this woman bursts out of one of the bedrooms."

"Now, not just any woman. . ."

"Oh, God, no. She's about sixty, and she's got some sort of bathrobe on, and her hair's in curlers-"

"And she had this, this stuff on her face -"

"God, I'd forgot that. And everyone just freezes, you know - the girls with their drinks, and me, and Sirius standing there with the pitcher of martinis, and no one knows what the hell to say, and then this virago starts shrieking in this, this voice. . ."

"A voice that could have shattered glass," Sirius said with a grin.

"And did. And she says, `What the hell do you think you're doing?' And I look at him, and I can see Sirius is trying to come up with something really smooth, some sort of explanation, but I can see it's no good, we're all going to be spending the night in gaol, right? And then she shrieks, `You tell me you're going out for a drink, and you come back five hours later reeking of liquor, and you bring your cheap women back here to our house? You filthy swine, you dirty animal!'" Remus broke out laughing. "So Sirius..." The laughter threatened to overtake him. "So Sirius sets down the pitcher, and he says, `I never meant any harm to you, love! There's never been anyone but you!'" He threw his head back and laughed. "And then-then she starts fumbling around for her glasses, the poor blind old bat, and I'm hustling these girls out of there as fast as we can go, and poor Sirius. . ." He gave in to his laugh, shaking his head.

Sirius chuckled and took another swig of butterbeer. "Oh, that's - that's just a great story, Remus, thanks for helping me to re-live that," he said through gritted teeth. "I'll go get us all some more butterbeers - unless you want something stronger?"

"That depends. Will there be any more fascinating stories?" Snape asked with a baleful glare at Sirius.

"Sure, Sirius, why not get us three whiskeys. My treat."

"Sure, Moony. If you're feeling generous." Sirius slipped out from their corner table and headed to the counter where Rosmerta was engrossed in chatting up a group of middle aged wizards on holiday. The Three Broomsticks was crowded tonight; the first real cold was setting in, and curled up by the warm hearth of the pub was where most of Hogsmeade wanted to be.

"Three whiskeys, Ros," Sirius called over the din at the counter, glancing back at the table. Snape was giving Remus an odd look as he was saying something.

"Sure thing, love. Coming right up. D'you think it'll snow?"

"Hm?" He was watching Remus lean forward, gesturing with his hands about something.

"I said, d'you think we'll have snow tonight?"

"Oh, no, I don't think so, Ros. Too dry out there yet. I can always feel snow coming."

"Here are your whiskeys, love. Oh no, wait. That's just two. Now where did I put that other glass?" She looked around in confusion. "Roderick! Did you drink that whiskey I put right here?"

Snape was pushing back his chair and gathering his cloak hurriedly. Sirius strained to see around a particularly enormous wizard - potentially a distant relation of Hagrid's - who had chosen that exact moment to get up and was blocking his view of their table. He frowned and caught sight of Remus, who was calling something after Snape.

"All right," Rosmerta was saying. "I finally got it straight now, love, there's- hang on, where are you off to now?"

Sirius pushed his way quickly back through the maze of little tables overflowing with customers. "Remus, where'd Snape go?"

"I've no idea. We were chatting, and then he took a notion and ran off. Did you bring our whiskeys?"

"Remus! What the hell did you say?"

Lupin put his beer down and looked intently at Sirius. "I didn't say anything, Sirius. I was making conversation. I said I was glad he could join us tonight, and how much I appreciated his taking the time to show you how to brew the Wolfsbane."

Sirius frowned. "That's it?"

"That's it. He said something about your having a better head for potions than he had thought, and I said I was surprised he had let you survive long enough to become his apprentice, or something like that, and he-"

"Wait a minute. What?"

"You know, about the dare. The dare that night? I told him I had wondered if you were going to come back in one piece or not from your winner's dare, and I think I even invited him to come join us the next time we play, and he just got this really strange look on his face and marched straight out. There's no predicting him, Sirius, you should know better than to try and get cozy with Snape."

"You. . . oh, fuck. Oh, Jesus fuck. Remus, you fucking bastard." Sirius raced out the door, not bothering to pick up his cloak. Fuck fuck fuck. Which way had he gone? He stopped and looked up and down the darkened street. No sign of Snape. All right, one way or another he had to have been heading back to Hogwarts.

Ignoring the thudding in his chest, the tight fist clenching in his stomach, he raced up the path. Snape couldn't have got that far ahead, not unless he went the other way round, but why would he do that, on a bitter night like this?

"Snape!" he called. "Snape!" His voice sounded quite loud in the still dark. His breath was fogging in billows. He jogged ahead, until he came out on the clearing that meant he was on the Hogwarts grounds. "Snape!" he called, yelling at the top of his lungs. He stopped, his hands on his knees, struggling for breath. It was obvious Snape had not come this way. He must already be back in the dungeons. Somehow Sirius had thought, if he could catch him out here, if he could just explain, it would be all right.

"Sirius? What the hell is the matter?" Remus was just behind him, trotting out into the clearing now. "What's going on? Are you all right?"

Sirius ran his hands through his hair and clutched it. He sat on the ground and bowed his head.

"Sirius?"

"Tell me you didn't know," Sirius said softly, not looking up. "Tell me you didn't know what you were doing."

Remus sat down beside him. "I didn't then," he said quietly. "But I think I'm getting the picture now." He sighed. "Sirius, I'm sorry, I-"

"Shut up!" Sirius roared, leaping to his feet. "I don't want to-I don't want to hear it right now! I know-" He coughed. The air was wet and cold. A flake of snow settled on his shoulder. "I know you didn't-it's not your fault, I know that. It's my - It's my own fucking fault, all right, my own, not anyone else's. I'm the one that just-" He crouched to the ground and cradled his head in his hands.

"FUCK!" he shouted, letting the sound reverberate off the overhanging firs. He leaped up and began whacking at branches indiscriminately. "How could I have been so fucking stupid, Remus? How? And it's all blown to hell now, every bit of it. He is never, never, never, going to trust me again, not if I slit my bloody wrists in front of him he wouldn't believe me that I went into his office that night wanting one thing and came out wanting another. He will never, ever believe that, do you hear me? Never! And the last two weeks won't matter to him, last night won't matter, not the least little bit, he's going to cut me off like I never was, like I never existed, and oh God, Remus, I don't think-" He clutched at his chest as though in physical pain. "I don't think I can take that, I really don't think I can, how can I have been so _fucking stupid_ as to fall in love with Snape, how could I have _done_ that, Remus? _How_?!"

The snow had begun to drift down in earnest now, and the tips of the fir branches caught and held the white. Sirius took a final whack at a branch and sent a smattering of wet onto his shoes. He collapsed back on the ground.

"Doesn't matter," he said at last. "It really doesn't matter, I suppose. I mean, I was bound to fuck it up at some point, right? It was really. . ." He ran a hand over his face. "It was really just a matter of time."

Remus watched him, the snow beginning to settle on his friend's hair in large, wet flakes. "Come on inside, Sirius," he said after a while. "You haven't even got a cloak. Come on in and let's talk."

"No," Sirius said, leaning back to look up at the swirling snow. "I think. . . I think I'll just stay out here for a while. I'll be in in a bit, Remus." He stretched his legs out. "I did the dare," he said. "I did it. I just should have. . . I should have stopped there, I guess. I don't know what made me. . ." He put his hand over his eyes. "Doesn't matter."

Remus hesitated. "It's awfully cold, Sirius."

"I'll be fine."

He stood over his friend. "All right then." He looked at the top turret of the castle, the first fine dusting just beginning to settle. "I'm really sorry, Sirius." He said, not expecting or getting an answer. He trudged off across the grounds, his back hunched against the cold.

Sirius watched him go. He waited until his friend's form was a distant speck in the now-swirling white before he transformed. Padfoot got up and trotted over to the ridge of high ground underneath the largest fir tree. He surveyed the sweep of lawn below. It was a habit of Azkaban he had not been able yet to break, this tendency to retreat into Padfoot. Not that it made anything better, not actually. Just more at a distance.

He could see the lights winking from the windows of the castle, and knew that Snape would be awake in his dungeon, too. What would he be doing? Would he stay up all night marking essays, or working on his preservative potion? Or would he lie in his bed and stare at the ceiling? He settled his muzzle onto the ground and inhaled the sharp smell of wet earth. Perhaps, he mused, human emotions were at a remove from Padfoot's world because the physical world was so very much sharper.

He pondered going and pounding on Snape's door, but he knew it would be futile. He knew that a part of Snape had not trusted him, had never trusted him, and would believe. . . well, the truth. That he had just kissed him as part of a cheap dare. That it was all just for a laugh, a lark. What could he even say? Nothing that Snape would hear.

He resettled himself and watched the snow accumulate. Padfoot's ears could hear the slightly wet sound the snow made when it hit the earth. He shook himself and licked a paw absently. The snow tasted clean, like leaves. He froze at the sound of the footfall twenty paces behind him. The man believed he was being quiet.

"Lupin is right. It's too cold out here, even for you."

Snape settled himself gingerly on the damp ground, his cloak tight about him. Padfoot held himself very still, his brown eyes wide on the man beside him. Hesitantly Snape lifted a hand and placed it on his back.

"Soft," he murmured. He let his hand burrow into the thick pelt. "How odd. I've never actually - touched an Animagus before." The dog blinked at him. "It must feel wonderful, to be able to do that." He was brushing flakes off the fur, stroking the lush warmth of Padfoot.

The dog leaned over and rested his head in the man's lap. Snape cocked an eyebrow. "Oh, now you're just taking advantage of my good nature."

With a liquid, rippling motion the dog became a man, his head still resting in Snape's lap. "Is it working?"

"Extraordinary," he said softly. "And no, it isn't, not by half."

Sirius sat up. "So," he began. "You've been out here some time, I take it?"

"Yes. Well, Padfoot and I seem to share a fondness for the same spot in which to meditate. I ducked behind those branches when you came crashing through here like a freight train. I thought you were going to take a whack at me just now, when you were pitching your little tantrum."

Sirius chuckled. "Just to complete my catastrophe of an evening."

They sat in silence for a bit, watching the snow. "Severus," he began.

"You don't need to explain."

"But you need to know that I-"

"I already do."

Sirius nodded. "May I ask you a question, Severus?"

"I suppose."

"If you hadn't been out here - if you hadn't heard what I said to Remus - would you have listened to anything that I said to you? Would you have believed me?"

Snape thought. "I don't know," he said. "I wish I could say yes. Probably not. But I don't know."

Sirius gave a bitter laugh. "It occurs to me that the margin of error in life is very thin indeed."

"Perhaps," Snape conceded. "But I think. . . it would not have been any easier for me, you know, and I like to think I might have. . . well, I don't know." He stood and offered his hand to Sirius. "I'm freezing to death. Let's go in."

"Right behind you." With the same graceful gesture, man blended into dog, and Padfoot trotted behind Snape.

Snape rolled his eyes. "Just the heartwarming tale," he murmured, "of a man and his dog."

* * *

Sirius gagged and recoiled when Snape pushed back the office door. "Holy shit," he choked, "you weren't kidding about the fumes. I see now why you agreed to join us at the pub."

"Yes," Snape agreed dolefully. "Day fifteen. It's not so bad in the back, though, with the doors closed."

"Christ. Does Remus have any idea what you go through, getting this shit ready each month?"

Snape gave a snort at that and shook off his cloak. The flakes dusted the flagstones. "I doubt he has ever given it a moment's thought. You see now why I was not averse to teaching someone else to brew this."

"And here I thought it was just an excuse to be around me."

"You have penetrated my clever plan. Where on earth is your cloak?"

"Oh. I left it at the pub."

"On a night like this? That was most unwise."

"Thanks, Mum. I'll wear my rubbers next time, too, I promise. What?" Snape was giving him an odd look.

"Nothing. Just thinking. The fumes are still detectable in the sitting room, since there's only the curtain there, but if you go on through to the bedroom you can shut the door. Also, I left a fire going in there. You can go curl up on the rug in front of it, if you like. Only don't shed."

"Mm, a shedding joke. How original. The bedroom, eh? More of your clever plan?"

"You're too quick for me to get round you. Go on, I've just got to finish making these notes."

"How you can stand to inhale in here is beyond me." He shivered and pushed back the curtain to the sitting room. "Hey, Snape," he called.

"Mm."

"You never had that whiskey. Shall we have some now?"

"Well, generous as your offer of my liquor is, I don't think so, no. I do have to teach in the morning."

"Yes, we'd hate you to be off your game for that. Who knows, you might turn really unpleasant if you're hung over. On a Snape scale, unpleasant would mean what, do you think? Summary execution of irritants?"

There was no response from the office. He pushed back the bedroom door and looked around. Exactly what he would have thought it. Small and sparely furnished, but comfortable. An iron bedstead was pushed against one wall, its coverlid impeccably neat. A frayed quilt was draped over the foot of the bed. One leather armchair, a bit battered, sat in front of the fireplace. The room's one unusual feature were the bookcases. They were floor to ceiling on all sides, obscuring every wall with contents that threatened to spill onto the floor. There were books crammed in every available space, giant calfskin folio volumes to tiny octavos. He scanned the titles. History, poetry. . .were these Muggle books? No potions texts in sight. He glanced at the smaller volumes on the little table by the chair. Several of them had titles in languages he did not recognise. Near the bottom was a slender, frayed book. Yeats, the spine said. He smiled.

"Find anything you like?"

"Yes, actually." He turned to see Snape in the doorway. "Did you finish up?"

"Yes." Snape stood motionless.

"Snape. Is this the first time. . . I'm assuming you are unaccustomed to entertaining in here?"

"Naturally." He gestured at the armchair. "Would you care to sit down?"

Sirius shook his head. "Look, Snape, I don't have to stay around tonight. Having me in here obviously makes you nervous, and that's the last thing I want. I'll come back tomorrow night." Snape caught his hand as he brushed past him.

"Don't go."

Sirius looked at their joined hands. "I just don't want to fuck up," he said softly.

"You won't."

Snape's head bent to his and Sirius opened to the kiss. He dug his fingers into Snape's back and broke off, gasping.

"What's the matter?'

"Nothing - I just - getting hold of myself, that's all."

"Ah." Snape regarded him. "If there were something that I wanted, would you do it?'

"Yes," Sirius replied, his voice hoarse at the thought. "Anything."

Snape unbuttoned and removed his waistcoat and loosened his shirt, as he had last night. He looked at Sirius. "Take off your shirt." His voice was low and quiet in the little room, and Sirius's cock thrummed at it. He complied quickly, feeling Snape's gaze on him. He met his eyes.

"Do you want me naked, Severus?"

Snape nodded mutely. Methodically he removed his trousers, his boots, his socks, his underwear, draping everything over the back of the armchair. The fire felt warm on his skin. He turned around and said nothing for a minute, just letting Snape look at him. His cock hardened further under Snape's hungry gaze.

"Where do you want me?"

Snape's eyes flicked to the bed. He stretched himself full length on it, pulling pillows around to his satisfaction, making himself comfortable.

"Do you want me to touch myself?"

Again, Snape nodded. Never taking his eyes off Snape, Sirius let his hand begin to slowly move down, cupping his balls, lazily brushing his cock. He saw a muscle in the side of Snape's face twitch.

"Would you like to come sit on the bed with me?"

Snape hesitated, but he edged to the bed and sat on it. His eyes were riveted to Sirius's swelling cock, and the first droplets of precome that were beading on the slit. Sirius swirled the moisture around a bit, his eyes fluttering shut for a moment at the sweetness of the sensation. He heard Snape's sharp intake of breath.

"Would you like me to tell you what I've been thinking about?"

Snape nodded. Sirius could see how rapidly he was breathing, and wondered if that glorious thick cock he had glimpsed last night was hard yet. The thought made his own cock ache, and he began to stroke himself, slowly and evenly.

"I've been thinking about what it would feel like to have you fucking me."

Snape's lips parted a little, and he blinked.

"I've been thinking," he panted, beginning to move a little faster now, "of what it would feel like to have that beautiful cock of yours up inside me, fucking me - of how full I would feel with you rammed up inside me, of what you might look like bent over top of me, pounding me, the feel of your arse in my hands -oh, fuck." Sirius arched his head back as the pleasure began to build, faster than he had thought it would. His hand was moving rapidly now, and Snape's breathing was as loud as his.

"Snape. . . Severus, please. . . let me see you, I want to see you touch yourself."

Rapidly Snape opened his trouser placket and freed himself, his eyes not leaving Sirius's hand. His cock was stiff and dripping with moisture, and Sirius groaned at the sight of it.

"Sweet God," he moaned, "I want to taste you, I want to feel you come down my throat. Touch yourself and think about coming down my throat."

An unintelligible noise came from Snape at that, and his hand began to move on his shaft.

"That's it," whispered Sirius. "Think about my mouth on you, sucking you. Think about fucking my mouth. Think about screaming when you come, about shooting your come so far down my throat. . . nnh. . ." His hand was moving like lightning now, in tandem with Snape's motion.

"Severus-please let me do that to you now. Do you want that?"

For answer, Snape let himself fall back on the bed. Sirius scrambled over top of him and swallowed him before he could even move.

"Aaah," came the cry from Snape's throat. His back arched up off the bed, and his fists twisted the blanket. Is that good, Severus? he wanted to say. Tell me how it feels. But his mouth was too full of Snape's substantial cock, and he wasn't about to lift it off to talk. Not when it was so full of the incredible taste, the fragrant musk, the silken texture of Snape. He relaxed his throat and took him as far back as he was able. Little noises were coming from Snape's throat as he thrust up into Sirius's mouth that might have been whimpers. Sirius worked his hands underneath and cradled Snape's arse as he thrust upwards, squeezing gently.

His own cock was crying out for touch, but he ignored it. The sight and sound of Snape was likely to bring him off without a hand on him, anyway. Snape was lost to the sensation of it now, his eyes closed, his mouth wide, his breathing a moan on each exhale. He was practically ripping the sheets off the bed with his fists. Sirius bobbed his head up and down more rapidly now, increasing the strength of his sucking. He let one hand stray up to the heavy ball sac and fingered them lightly, tumbling them a little, squeezing.

"Si-Sir- move your- move, I can't-can't stop-"

Sirius redoubled his efforts. Snape gave a great strangled cry and pumped his hips up as fast as he could. The sharp bitter flood of seed filled Sirius's mouth, and he drank as fast as he could, sucking and licking as Snape gushed in his mouth. Slowly he began easing him down, through the aftershocks that wrung little cries from him.

When the last twitch had passed, and Snape was lying limp and still, he gently kissed his cock and tucked him back into his trousers, re-arranging him as best he could. He rested his head on Snape's still-heaving abdomen, listening to the slowing sound of his breathing. Snape's hand came to rest on his head.

They stayed like that for long minutes. Sirius fought the painful throb of his groin, willing it away, wanting to let Snape drift. He considered whether he ought to slide off and go to the bathroom and take care of his problem there. Probably he wouldn't even make it across the room. Suddenly he was being pulled up and over onto his back, cradled in Snape's arms.

"You need to come," Snape was whispering in his ear. "May I touch you?"

"God, yes," he groaned, and Snape's hand closed on his shaft. "No - no, don't I'm so close-"

"Shh," Snape was saying, moving his hand faster, and Sirius gave in to the warmth of Snape's hand and the delicious friction, and it was Snape bringing him off, Snape's hand pumping him, Snape's fingers tightening on his shoulder as he stiffened.

"Severus!" he sobbed, and spilled his release in a rush over Snape's hand, arching into Snape's embrace. There were lips at his ears, his neck, kissing him as he spiraled down, quaking with the force of his orgasm.

He found Snape's eyes on him, and they watched each other steadily. "Is this all right?" he found voice to ask. Snape's hand reached over and brushed a stray sweaty lock of hair off his face.

"Yes. This is all right," he said, his voice tight.

* * *

**Day Eighteen**

"Now, this is where it really gets interesting."

"Promise?" Sirius sighed as he scribbled notes. "I mean, no offence, but at some point this has got to get more interesting than dicing beetle legs."

Snape quirked a brow at him. "Through the first seventeen days, I'll grant you that the Wolfsbane, while requiring attentiveness in preparation, is not beyond the capacity of a second-year Potions student - or even you, Black."

"Why, thank you."

"But on the eighteenth day, the magic involved becomes more complex than the simple addition of ingredients. Hand me that book there. No, no, that one. Open it to page seventy-four and you will see some of the incantations that are used in the latter stages of Wolfsbane."

Sirius flipped through the book, frowning. "This is some fairly dark stuff," he murmured.

"Moderately. You want dark, try some of those books over there." He nodded at the opposite bookshelf, with the locking glass front doors.

Sirius flipped around some more, thinking. "So Remus is glad to be back at Hogwarts."

"Mm."

"Do you know he spent last year tending bar in Liverpool?"

"Fascinating."

"You know," Sirius mused, "he wasn't going to come back, not when Albus first made the offer. He said he didn't want to create discord among the faculty, or between the faculty and the Board of Governors."

Snape offered no comment.

"But Albus gave him to understand that all opposition on the Board - the older, pureblooded families, naturally - had been dealt with, and that re-hiring Remus Lupin was the Board's unanimous recommendation."

"Hand me that rod, will you."

Sirius reached behind him. "That was you, wasn't it? You're the only faculty member those people would have been likely to listen to. You're the one that brought Remus back, aren't you?"

Snape sighed. "Are you quite finished? We do have actual work to do, you know."

"Why'd you do it?"

Snape made an irritated gesture. "Why did I do what?"

"You know perfectly well. Why did you make it possible for Remus to come back, when you did everything in your power to get rid of him year before last?"

Snape scowled. "Because if I didn't," he sighed, "the headmaster made it perfectly plain that I would be appointed the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher."

Sirius raised his eyebrows in surprise. "And this would be a bad thing?'

"For heaven's sake. I can't imagine anything worse. You don't honestly think I want that job? I'd sooner chew off a limb. Dark Arts, indeed. They ought to call it Lambs to the Slaughter," he sneered. "It's no use teaching students to defend against something they haven't actually learned to practise. But we at Hogwarts stopped teaching them how to do that almost a hundred years ago. And I think we have seen the results of that policy." He tossed his rod into the sink with a clatter, and massaged his temple.

"Headache again?"

"It's fine."

"Yes, I can see that. Here, turn around and let me see what I can do." He reached for Snape's shoulders. Snape knocked his arm away.

"Severus," he said quietly. "What's going on?"

"Nothing. Nothing. I think - perhaps you had better go."

"That's what you said last night."

Snape made no reply, but began cleaning up around the cauldron.

"Severus. What did I do?"

Snape looked up at that. "Nothing. Nothing at all." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Look, Black, this is probably not such a good idea."

Sirius felt the muscle in his jaw begin to spasm and pushed down the surge of anger. Anger would not help here. He studied the counter. "Please define `this,'" he said in a tight voice.

"I mean the. . . the things that we have done." Snape reached for his temple again.

"The headaches are worse, aren't they?"

Snape sighed. He cradled his head in his hands. "I am trying, Black," he said in a muffled voice.

"I know." He lifted his arms, hesitantly. "Snape. Would it be all right if I just. . . nothing else has to happen. Just. . ." He carefully put his arms around Snape, and shifted closer. He felt the body inside the black robes stiffen, and felt Snape force himself to relax. They eased into an embrace - edged into it, Sirius thought. He weighed his words.

"Severus. We don't have to do everything at once, you know. If this is all we can do for now, then this is what we do. I don't need to have everything all at once. The other night. . . that was amazing. And if it doesn't happen again for a long time, I can live with that."

He felt Snape relax infinitesimally. "Why?" Snape murmured.

"Why what?"

"Why can you live with that? Don't you want. . . I simply don't understand."

Don't I want? Sirius thought. I want to rip those goddamn robes off you and fuck you until neither of us can move, that's what I want. He sighed. "I don't know," he answered honestly. "I'm rather making this up as I go along. But I do know that I'd rather do this with you than a hell of a lot more with someone else, if that's an answer."

Snape was silent for a minute, and Sirius felt him relax into the embrace a fraction more. "What I'm wondering is. . ." Snape's voice was barely above a whisper, his breath warming Sirius's ear. "What I'm wondering is, for how long. I will probably never be able. . ." He stopped.

"I know."

Snape moved his head in a puzzling way, and with a hitch in his breath Sirius realised Snape was burrowing into his shoulder. He tightened his arms around him.

"I don't know what the hell you're doing here with me." Snape's voice was muffled in his shoulder.

"Well," Sirius said softly. "Frankly, I've no idea what the hell either of us are doing."

He felt Snape chuckle at that. Neither of them made a move to disentangle.

"My head is killing me," Snape said at last. "I've got to take some more potion and lie down."

"Sure," Sirius said, releasing him. "Tomorrow night, then."

"Good night, Black."

"Good night, Snape."

* * *

**Day Nineteen**

Sirius flipped over and glanced at the little clock on the mantel. Still forty-five minutes before Snape would be expecting him. Might as well close his eyes again and try to get some more rest. He sighed and resettled himself. What was it that Rosmerta used to wash the sheets? It reminded him of visits to his grandmother's house, of her clean, faint scent of lemon verbena.

Fuck. He kicked the sheets back. Trying to get any more rest was probably futile. Not having slept last night was going to catch up with him soon, though. He'd be dozing over the cauldron tonight, and from what he had learned of the Wolfsbane so far, it was not a good idea to fall asleep with your face in it. He swung his legs over and grabbed his trousers just as Rosmerta's knock sounded at the door.

"Just a minute, Ros," he called, pulling them on. "Right, come on in. Just set the tea on the table, will you." He stumbled to the washstand and poured some water on his head, letting the cool flood jar him into alertness. He wrapped the towel in a turban on his head and turned around to see Snape standing in the middle of the room, looking at him as though he had hatched naked from a mermaid shell. He snatched the towel off his head.

"Snape," he said, for lack of anything better. "Is everything all right?"

"Yes, yes, everything's fine," he said, looking around. "This is rather small."

"It's fine for what I need. What are you doing here, Snape?"

Snape sat hesitantly in one of the chairs by the window, as though he were afraid it might break. He drummed his fingers on his knee. He appeared to be looking everywhere but at his host. Sirius considered putting a shirt on, but rejected it. Snape could deal with it. He sat in the other chair, draping his towel over the back.

"So," he began. "What have I done to deserve this?"

Snape reached into his robe and pulled out a flask, followed by two shot glasses. He set them on the table with a thunk. "Have a drink with me, Black."

"All right." He watched as Snape poured them each a glass of whiskey, then downed his in one gulp. Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Before you start trying to drink me under the table, Snape, you should know that I'm Irish."

"I already do. And I think an Italian can take you any day."

"Well, now you've done it. Line `em up, Snape."

They knocked back the next few glasses in silence. After the third glass, Sirius looked up. "So. Any particular reason we're doing this?"

"You had said something earlier about wanting to drink with me."

"Right. Well, generally when people drink together, they tell amusing stories. You know - mirth, camaraderie, that sort of thing."

"I see."

"Not that the grim silence isn't fun too."

Snape set his glass down and re-filled it. "I was nine."

Sirius blinked and let the pieces click into place. "Your stepfather."

"Yes." Glass number four followed the others. "I have tried, you know."

"Tried. . . sex, you mean."

"Yes." Snape spread his hands and studied them as though they were strange to him. "I am not the innocent you suppose, you know. That sort of contact is only difficult for me when. . . well, it is sometimes possible."

Sirius tipped his chair back and reflected. He wondered if he knew more about Snape's reactions to sex than Snape did himself. "You mean, it's only difficult for you when you are aroused as well." He stood up and drew the curtain back a little, peering down on the street below. Snow was still piled in drifts along the cobbled street. He kept his voice calm and even. "How old were you when he finally let you alone? Your stepfather, I mean?"

For a minute he did not think Snape would answer. "Thirteen."

Thirteen. By that time he had been at Hogwarts two years. He would have been home in the summers, though, and the holidays. Thirteen. "Why did he stop?" he asked.

He heard the sound of Snape re-filling the glasses. That would make five, and still Snape's voice was as steady as his hands. "He stopped because I killed him." He paused, probably to wait for a reaction, but Sirius just nodded. "I had a younger brother, you see. His own son. I had thought that would stop him. Apparently, it didn't."

"So you killed him."

"Yes." He twisted the glass so it caught the light. "When I was ten, I told my mother what had been happening. That he would come to me at nights. I don't think I even knew the words, but the idea would have been clear enough. She told me. . . she told me we were fortunate to be under the protection of a wizard as powerful as Sebastian Snape, and that I must not. . . disappoint him."

Sirius let his breath out in a rush. "Holy fuck," he said.

"More or less. She was never what you would call fond of me to begin with. But I had thought, with Aurelius, that things would be different. When I realised she knew about that, too. . . I knew he was never going to stop, that no one would ever make him stop."

"And so you stopped him."

"Yes."

Sirius closed his eyes and thought. From nine to thirteen. Close to five years. Had it been every night, or had he never known when the bedroom door would creak? Had he been too terrified to fight, the first few times? Had he lain there in the dark, afterward, thinking surely someone would come to help him? There would have been blood, and the boy would have been ashamed. What had Sebastian Snape threatened him with if he told? He felt a surge of bile in his stomach, and fought the nausea. He wished he could go to the washstand and retch as Snape had done.

He opened his eyes. "Did you never tell anyone, other than your mother?"

Snape gave the barest smile. "What would have been the purpose in that?"

"Albus. . . he might have done something, I don't know. . ."

"Yes, I'm sure had I had the advantage of your superior reasoning, I would have been able to find a way out other than murder," he said sharply.

"No, that isn't what I meant," Sirius amended hastily. "Of course you didn't-"

"You think I didn't want to stop him? That I wanted him to do those things to me, that I didn't tell because I liked it, that I wanted -"

"No!" Sirius shouted. "Jesus Christ, Severus, of course I don't think that! Who the hell would think that? You were a nine year old boy, for fuck's sake! You didn't do anything wrong!"

Snape sank his head in his hands. The long fingers were trembling. "No, no," he said, quieter now. "I know I did not handle it well. I ought to have - I ought to have done something, at least before he got to Aurelius, before it was too late. It was my - it was my fault."

Sirius felt the rage boil over a second too late. He picked up his glass and hurled it into the empty grate in the fireplace, smashing it. Shards of glass spun out onto the hearth, but Snape did not flinch or even appear to hear. He gripped Snape's shoulder.

"You listen to me," he said through gritted teeth. "You listen now. It was not your fucking fault! It was not. Your. Fucking. Fault." He dug his fingers into Snape's shoulder and shook him, dropping to his knees. "None of it was ever your fault, and sex - sex is not like anything that that motherfucker ever did to you." More pieces clicked into place. "Everything he ever told you was a lie. It was never your fault, and you weren't the one making him do those things to you. Severus. Do you understand me? Do you believe me?" He knew his voice had a desperate edge to it, and he knew he was shaking Snape too hard.

Snape nodded, his head still bowed. "You see now," he said softly. "You see now that I am too. . . damaged for this to continue."

Sirius released his grip and sat back in astonishment. "No. No. You're not damaged. He was the one that was damaged, Snape, not you." He stood and began to pace the little room. He had thought that this was progress, Snape telling him this, but here it was just another way to shut him down, to push him away. He shook his head to clear it, and sat on the edge of the bed, watching Snape, who was downing his sixth shot of whiskey.

All right, he thought, all right. I'm not going to win any battles fighting them on that bastard's turf. Let's make this about now, about what we do. He took a deep breath.

"Severus. When I touch you, does it make you feel the way he did when he touched you?"

Snape looked up at that. "Of course not."

So far, so good. "Did it make you feel good? When my mouth was on you the other night, did it make you feel good?"

Snape's eyes sought the floor. "Yes, of course," he said in a still voice.

"All right. But maybe you don't know what that felt like to me."

Snape frowned and glanced up. "It can't have been. . . pleasant."

Sirius almost laughed aloud. "Can't have been pleasant? My God, is that what you. . . sweet Christ." He swallowed. "Severus, having you come in my mouth was probably the single most erotic experience of my life, and I've been lying in this bed every night since then thinking about it, and about the way you sounded, the way you looked, good God, seeing you come, feeling it in my mouth. . ."

He felt his cock begin to swell at the thought of it, and seized by inspiration, he leaped up and grabbed Snape's hand, placing it over his crotch. "Feel what thinking about that does to me, Snape," he murmured. "You tasted so good, it was all I could do not to come the minute my lips touched you. I would give anything, anything, to do that again. I would drop to my knees in the Great Hall and let you fuck my mouth, if it meant I got to taste you again. I want to feel your hands in my hair, I want to hear you moan as I lick you, I want to make you come so hard you black out. There is nothing, nothing, I wouldn't do for you, or to you, or with you, if it brought you one moment's pleasure. Do you hear me? Nothing."

He paused for breath. Snape's hand was cupping him, and he shuddered when Snape ran a careful thumb over the outline of his erection. "God, you could make me come just from that," he whispered hoarsely.

Snape's hand caressed him more firmly. "You make a persuasive argument, Black," he said wryly.

"Yes. Well," he said, his witty retort lost as Snape began to massage him more deeply, rubbing his length deliberately. Sirius grabbed his wrist. "Oh. . . God, you need to stop now."

Snape stood, his hand still on Sirius's groin. "Did you mean that?" he asked, his eyes dark. "About whatever I wanted?"

"Yes." Fuck, he thought, as Snape's hand did not stop. I'm going to come in my trousers. But then Snape was unbuckling his trousers for him, pushing them down off his hips. Snape is undressing me, he thought, Snape wants me naked. And now Snape was fumbling at his own trousers, he was pulling his own cock out. Sirius groaned at the sight and fought the urge to rip the layers of clothes off Snape's body. He would have to be patient.

Snape pulled him close and rocked their hips together. He saw Snape's eyes widen as their cocks rubbed, and heard his gasp.

"It can be good that way," he murmured in Snape's ear. "Try it." He reached around and cupped Snape's arse - oh, beautiful beautiful - and pulled him closer still, grinding them together. Snape gave a little cry.

"See?" he whispered. "See how good it feels?" He pulled them a few steps backwards, until he could feel the bed against his legs. "I want you on top of me. Do you want that?'

Snape made a muffled sound that might have been a yes. Sirius fell back and pulled Snape over top of him, still pushing their cocks together. He felt Snape's hips catch and hold a rhythm, and he groaned again - _too loud_, he thought, _I don't even know if that door is locked, but fuck, I don't care_. He brought his arms around Snape's back, tight. Snape's cock was hard against his, and he gasped when Snape's balls brushed his own. Snape's breath was hot in his ear now, and he was moving faster, faster. Was this the way he breathed when he was in his own bed, touching himself, making himself come? He groaned again at the thought and pushed up into the hot friction of Snape's cock.

"Fuck yes," he breathed. "Please fuck me."

Snape's hips moved faster, and their grinding became more desperate.

"Tell me," Sirius moaned. "Tell me if you're going to come."

"Yes," whimpered Snape, and he felt Snape's fingers digging into his shoulders now, tightening on him, his pelvis pounding into him. "Oh. . . oh. . . oh. . ."

"Fuck!" shrieked Sirius, and he was coming, pulsing into the hardness that rocked into him. His belly flooded with warm wet, and Snape was collapsing on him, shaking, crying out as their cocks jerked and sputtered together.

After a few dizzy minutes, he felt Snape shifting off of him. "No, no." he murmured. "Stay."

"I'm crushing you."

"You wish."

Snape chuckled, and re-settled on him. "There is another consideration," he said softly.

"Mm." Sirius tightened his hold on him.

"In another few seconds we're going to be glued together."

"Oh. Right." Sirius stretched for the nightstand. "Where the hell's my wand. Oh, damn it all." His fingers found his trousers on the floor, and he hoisted them up and over. "Here, lift up."

Snape cocked an eyebrow. "Your clothes are taking rather a beating."

"Who cares. I'll steal some of Remus's before I go." He rolled Snape over to his side and arranged the blanket over them. "You may be fully clothed, but I'm freezing to death."

"When you go. And that would be when, exactly?" Snape's voice sounded odd.

Sirius sighed. "When Albus decides he needs me, I suppose. At least I'm not on the run anymore."

"Yes, I suppose. You know Black," he said abruptly. "I really did believe you were guilty."

"You and the rest of the world. The `Free Sirius Black' movement never really got off the ground, so I forgive you for not joining up."

"Aren't you ever angry?" Snape wondered. "That everyone believed what they did, and now treat you as though it never happened. Doesn't it infuriate you, or do you spend so much of your energy regretting you're alive that you haven't any to spare for anger?"

Sirius propped himself on his elbow. "I thought you were the one we were examining here."

"Of course we are. You, naturally, are perfectly normal."

"Naturally. Do we need to get back to the dungeons?"

"Hm? Oh. No, there wasn't much to do tonight. I added the salamander eyes before I left, and made the necessary additions to your notes. I hope you don't mind."

Sirius smiled at the thought of Snape's careful script sandwiched in among his scrawl. "No, that's fine." He stretched. "Can you stay then?" he asked, keeping his voice even.

"Stay?"

"You know, the night. Save yourself the walk back. It's bitter out there."

Snape hesitated. "No, I have an early morning class. But I. . . I needn't go back right away." He pulled the blanket more firmly around them both.

"All right," Sirius yawned. "I'll just get Ros to bring us up some tea, then."

"Hmph. It has always been your goal to destroy me, hasn't it?"

"Since I was eleven." He burrowed into the pillow. _How is it I'm always the one freezing my arse off, and he never loses a stitch of clothing?_ Sirius wondered. "How is it you manage to do that?" he mused aloud.

"Do what?"

"Give me a mind-blowing orgasm without loosening your cravat." Another yawn overtook him, and his eyes drifted shut.

"Go to sleep." Snape reached a hesitant hand and lifted a hank of hair out of his face.

"Mm. Not sleepy."

"So I see. Sleep now. I'll stay a bit."

Sirius muttered something unintelligible. Sleep was a warm river that threatened to pull him under. He gave up and surrendered to the current. He dozed, drifting in and out for a bit. He wondered if he was imagining the hand on his hair, twining it, smoothing it. When next he opened his eyes, he was alone in the bed, and the early morning light was greying the window panes. There was a black silk cravat coiled on the pillow beside him. He grinned and crumpled it in his hand before slipping back into sleep.

* * *

**Day Twenty**

"Sirius! Where are you off to?"

Sirius slowed his step for Remus. "Some things I need to get from Smoag's in Hogsmeade - ingredients and things. Want to come along?"

"Sure. Just a minute - let me grab my heavier cloak from my office. What an awful winter this is turning out be, eh? That snow doesn't look like it's ever going to melt."

"Oh, quit your moaning. At least you've got the benefit of regular heat. I can't say Rosmerta's overly generous with the firewood."

"Well, I shouldn't think that would be a problem for you these days." Remus ducked his head in his office and emerged with his cloak and muffler. "At least she keeps the pub warm. Why don't we stop off for a pint while we're down there?"

"Sure, Moony." Sirius said nothing more as they headed out the doors and down the path to Hogsmeade. He waited until they were at the first bend in the path before he stopped and turned.

"You want to tell me what the hell that remark meant?"

"Just that I don't get the impression you're spending your nights in your room, is all."

Sirius narrowed his eyes at his friend. "Explain to me just exactly how where I spend my nights is any of your business."

Remus sighed. "It isn't. I know that, and I'm not trying to pry."

"Yes you are."

"Well, yes I am, then. Listen, Sirius, I'm just worried about you, is all."

He arched a skeptical brow. "Worried about me?"

"You're the one who said the other night that it was a pretty fucking stupid thing to do, getting involved with Snape."

"No," Sirius reflected. "That isn't precisely what I said."

"Yeah," Remus said. "I know. But you were upset, and I'm hoping you were overstating the case a little. Anyway, my point is, Sirius, you've been. . . well, you've not been out of Azkaban that long, and you just stopped being on the run a few months ago, and I. . . I'm not sure you're thinking very clearly about some things."

"I see," he said quietly.

"No, you don't, so don't get that tone. All I'm trying to say is, there are plenty of people who care about you and want to help you, plenty of people who would like to be your friend-"

"Yes, it's amazing what it will do for your social life, no longer being a convicted serial killer."

"Sirius. You can't blame people-"

"Who the hell says I can't?" He felt his anger rising and struggled to control it. "I'm sorry, Remus. I'm sorry that I can't get beyond it all as effortlessly as you seem to think I ought. I realise what a disappointment that must be to you. I lost twelve years of my life to Azkaban, and another two to hiding and sucking on rats. I can't pretend that it never happened, and I'm sickened by the people who expect me to forget it ever happened, just so no one feels uncomfortable. It happened, Remus, and nothing will ever change that, or change me back into who and what I was. And at least -" he paused and lowered his voice. "At least there is some comfort in being around someone who doesn't expect anything of me, and who doesn't. . . who isn't always hoping the old Sirius Black will turn up." He smiled bitterly. "Snape always did hate me. It's a low threshold of expectation."

"Sirius. That's a hell of a reason to let him fuck you."

He balled his fists in his cloak. "You don't know what you're talking about, Remus."

"I think that I do. Sirius, listen to me. Snape is a lonely, bitter, unhappy man, and he's not the sort of person you need to be around right now. Whatever it is you need, I can tell you he'll never be able to give it to you. He-"

"I need to be fucking you, is that it? Is that the answer to all my problems?"

Remus blanched. "That isn't what I-"

"Bullshit. Just spare me your complete and utter bullshit, for once. In case you hadn't noticed, I happen to be a lonely, bitter, unhappy man. And being around Snape suits me just fine, so fuck off, all right?"

Remus studied the snow at their feet. "Sure, Sirius. Whatever."

They walked the rest of they way to Hogsmeade in silence, and parted at Smoag's.

* * *

**Day Twenty-One**

"The crucial thing for the next few days," Snape was saying, "is to make sure the heat is kept at a constant level. Even a magical fire can begin to wane if not tended every few hours. And the heat level must be greater at this stage than before, or the components will begin to break down, and become volatile. A safety shield is a good idea at this point - a simple shielding charm should do the trick. Try adjusting the flame."

Sirius flicked his wand at the base of the cauldron, and red-orange flame curled up around its bottom. Snape shook his head. "Too much. Lower it now." Another flick of the wand, and the flames subsided to a steady glow.

"That will do," Snape said as Sirius scribbled in his notes. "Now start another cauldron, using some of that Emendragorum over there as a base. You'll want to liquefy the wings as much as possible before adding them."

Sirius uncorked the Emendragorum and sniffed it. "The fruits of Miss Coddleston-Fettway's labour?"

Snape rolled his eyes. "Hardly. I wouldn't inflict her work on anyone, even Lupin." He strolled to the other side of the office where yet another cauldron simmered over its own fire. This cauldron was smaller than the other two, and silver. Blue-green bubbles drifted up to its surface from time to time, with barely audible pops. Sirius glanced over.

"Is that the same stuff you've been working on?"

"Yes. I began to wonder if the problem was not so much the potion, as the cauldron. It can happen sometimes, that a sensitive potion is adversely affected by the metal of the cauldron. It is rare, of course, but it can happen." He leaned down and ladled some of the liquid out, holding it up to the light, squinting at it.

"That's a lovely little cauldron. Is it sterling?"

"Yes," Snape replied absently. "It was a gift."

"Would it be rude to ask from whom?"

"Yes, but I shouldn't think that would stop you. It was given to me by my godfather, many years ago."

"Oh." He turned to the Emendragorum and the flutterwings. That was clearly all Snape was going to say on the subject. He wondered if this godfather had been in a position to know Sebastian Snape. "Were you close?"

"Yes." Snape's clipped tones admitted no further inquiry.

"So. Actual work tonight, then?"

"I'm afraid so. There isn't much even you can do to destroy the Wolfsbane at this point, Black, so I think I will leave you to it, if you don't mind. I may be close to actually achieving something with this preservative potion, and I don't want to leave it. If I can just-"

A shower of bluish-green sparks erupted from the silver cauldron with a hissing noise, and the liquid bubbled over, pouring out onto the counter. Snape recoiled and tossed his stirring rod in the sink in disgust. "Damn it to hell," he muttered.

Sirius smiled. "I think it would be a salutary experience for your students, seeing their Potions master in such a state."

"Just what the nitwits need," growled Snape, tipping the rest of the failed potion down the drain. "More incentive to idiocy. Damn it all."

"Oh, don't take it so hard. Even you're entitled to one or two failures. Come give me a hand over here."

Snape perched on the stool beside him, scowling. "It isn't one or two failures," he grumbled. "It is a consistent pattern. I've been working on this potion for the better part of a year, off and on, and still it manages to elude me. How could something so apparently simple be so much trouble? I don't understand it," he said, running a hand through his hair. "I have been over and over my notes, and it should all work, but somehow, nothing seems to. It is most disconcerting."

Sirius poured the flutterwing solution into the larger cauldron and watched the fire to make sure it stayed steady. He brushed his hands on his robe. "Well," he said nonchalantly, "perhaps I can do something to put you in better humour." He slipped his arms around Snape. He no longer felt the involuntary stiffening, but Snape didn't exactly relax into it, either. It was as though he was concentrating on not flinching. Unwillingly, he heard Remus's voice. _Whatever it is you need, I can tell you he'll never be able to give it to you. The things you want, Black, I am not going to be able to give you._

He dropped his arms and looked at Snape. "Do you want me to stop?" he asked quietly.

"Stop. . .?"

"This." He gestured between them. "Whatever it is we're doing. Tell me now, before. . . just tell me the truth. If you want me to stop, I will. If this is too hard. . ."

"It is the hardest thing I have ever done," Snape replied evenly. "And no, I don't want you to stop."

He nodded. "All right," he said, but made no move to replace his arms. He watched Snape consider this, watched the idea take shape in his head, and the slow carefulness of it angered him. Slowly Snape lifted his arms and encircled Sirius's waist. The customary frown deepened.

"I think the question to ask, Black, is do you want to stop."

Sirius turned his head. "Can't you say my name, then. Other than when you're coming, that is." He didn't mean his voice to sound quite so hard.

Snape dropped his arms. "You are angry."

"No. I don't-" He rubbed his temples in a gesture that suddenly struck him as Snapish. He stopped. "I don't want to be. I don't know why I am."

"Yes, you do," Snape said quietly. He began sweeping the extra flutterwing bits into his hand, straightening the countertop. Sirius watched his meticulous motions for a moment before he thought to start in on the disaster on the other counter. In silence he started to wipe the greenish sludge off the slate before it hardened. He wrung the cloth in the basin and lifted the upturned cauldron to rinse it. His eye caught on the inscription on the under side. He didn't realise he was staring until Snape snatched the cauldron from his hand and began wiping it down himself. Sirius stared at the sink, his throat dry, uncertain what to say.

"You made it sound like he was dead."

"I said no such thing. Besides, what business is it-" Snape broke off.

"None, of course. None at all." He tossed the cloth into the sink with a violent gesture, and it splatted dully. "It's no bloody business of mine that Albus is your godfather. "

Snape sighed. "He was a close friend of my grandfather. He had known my mother all her life. It is not the sort of thing that comes up in conversation. What possible difference does it make?"

"Was he a good friend of your stepfather's?"

"Don't be ridiculous." Snape's back was still to him at the cabinet.

Sirius chewed his lip. There was no way to ask the questions he wanted to ask without appearing to condemn either Snape or Albus. Why didn't you tell him, he wanted to shout. He would have done something. He would have found a way to stop what was happening to you. But what reason would Snape have had to trust anyone, when his own mother. . . A taste of bile backed up in his throat, and he felt disgusted with himself for his frustration of earlier.

He sidled to the cabinet and worked his arms around Snape's waist. "Let's just quit for tonight, all right?" he said softly. "And I'm not angry with you. I'm just. . . angry. Albus wants me to head south soon. I might be able to put it off till next week, though. When the potion's done. But I might not."

He felt Snape relax back into his arms slightly. "What did Lupin say to you?"

It was Sirius's turn to tense. "Nothing. Nothing important. Why?"

"Because you've been edgy as a cat since yesterday afternoon."

"I take exception to that remark."

Snape let his head fall back against Sirius's shoulder, and Sirius's chest tightened at the sweetness of it. He was afraid to move.

"No one's going to like it, you know." Snape's voice rumbled against his neck.

"Who the fuck cares."

"I do, if too many conversations with Lupin make you see reason. Tell me what he said."

"That you were a lonely, bitter, unhappy man who can never give me what I need."

"Hard to fault him there."

"I told him I was a lonely, bitter, unhappy man too, and to leave us the fuck alone."

"I see. You had no effective rejoinder, then, for the latter part of his accusation."

"I-" Sirius sighed, and rested his head on Snape's shoulder. "Truth is, it just pissed me off that Remus was so certain he knew exactly what I needed. When I don't even know myself."

"I see."

"You say that rather a lot."

"It creates the impression that I am listening."

"Bastard."

He was rewarded with a chuckle from Snape, who disentangled himself and turned. "Why don't we leave things as they are in here tonight?"

"Sure. Sounds good. Listen, Snape."

Snape cocked a brow.

"In the interest of. . . full disclosure, or something like that. Just to avoid. . . you know, your being caught off guard again, by something you might not have known."

"Black. I require no gentle lead-in to the novel and shocking idea that you have slept with Lupin."

"Oh." He adjusted to this. "All right. You're not bothered by it?"

Snape shrugged, as much as Snape could be said to shrug. More a slight elevation of the collarbone, accompanied by a different kind of half-amused twitch of the brow. "Why should it bother me? It has nothing to do with this."

Impossible to tell if he had almost said "us," instead of "this," or if he had censored it before it was even a possibility. Or perhaps he had never thought it at all. Sirius felt a resurgence of his irritation and ruthlessly pushed it back down. Snape had never pretended, in any of this, that there was. . . he shook it off him. Snape was slipping out of his arms and heading to the back rooms rather purposefully, not looking to see if Sirius was following.

"Snape?"

He shuffled behind him. When he entered the darkened bedroom, Snape was at his wardrobe. He was getting something out.

"Are you actually putting on more clothes?"

Snape turned, and Sirius's stomach twisted. His shirt was already unbuttoned to his trousers, and he was starting on his cuffs. Not getting something out. Putting something in. His clothes. His shirt. He could see Snape's chest. A dark trail of hair down his abdomen. His chest. Sirius felt his cock begin to fill. Fifteen, he thought. I am bloody fifteen again.

Snape slipped his shirt off, tossing it in the basket at the bottom of the wardrobe. Sirius's breath caught at his first sight of the pale lean back. Wordlessly, Snape pulled off his boots, their leather worn to supple thinness. No socks, a sight Sirius found unexpectedly arousing. He decided against examining that reaction too closely. Snape turned then and began unbuttoning his trousers, watching Sirius. Sirius's mouth went dry. Snape was as sleekly muscled and graceful as a jungle cat. And totally, completely naked, his cock nestled in its dark thatch of hair, his trousers puddling at his ankles. Sirius felt his groin begin to throb.

They watched each other from across the little room. Snape kicked the trousers aside and crossed to him, and Sirius began fumbling at his own shirt. Snape gently knocked his hand away and began working on the buttons himself. Sirius closed his eyes and let Snape work. Oh God oh God, he thought. Slow the breathing. Try not to come before your clothes are off. Very impressive, that would be.

Snape was pushing Sirius's shirt off his shoulders and onto the floor. He ran a tentative hand across the chest in front of him and brushed a nipple. Sirius shuddered, and Snape looked up in alarm.

"Did I-"

"No, no. Feels good, is all."

Snape appeared to be considering this. He lowered his head and gently sucked a nipple into his mouth.

"Ah God, Severus. . . yes-"

Snape raised his head back up. "Can you come from that?"

Sirius nodded, a bit breathlessly.

"I think that is something I would like to see." Snape's hands were at his waistband now, unbuttoning his trousers and pushing them to the floor. He knelt to pull them off, followed by shoes and socks. He lifted his head and examined Sirius's cock, which had begun to pulse. He was hard already, and Snape had done no more than take his clothes off. If only Snape would stop studying it in that quizzical way, he thought.

Snape leaned his head in a little closer. What the hell is he doing? Sirius thought. What the. . . and then all thought was lost as Snape's tongue snaked out and gave the rigid cock in front of him a long lick from base to tip. Sirius cried out and bucked forward, stopping himself just in time from grabbing Snape's head and ramming his cock into that mouth. He was beginning to shake with suppressed desire, but he knew to keep still and let Snape continue his exploration in peace.

Snape must have been pleased at that reaction, because he did it again, and again. The third time he swirled his tongue around the tip, flicking the sensitive underside a bit. Sirius was aware that the sounds coming from his throat were largely whimpers. He clutched the back of the chair and closed his eyes, pouring all his energy into not coming. He opened his eyes after a few seconds when Snape appeared to have stopped. Snape had rocked back on his heels and was looking up at Sirius. When he had his eyes he lowered his mouth again, this time swallowing him whole.

"Ah, fuck. . . goddamnit, stop. . . oh God I can't. . ." Babbling, Black, you're babbling, he thought. But then Snape increased his suction, sliding his tongue on all the right places, and Sirius reached for his shoulders to steady himself, and all he could think was sweet Jesus, is he ever good at this. "You're going to have to stop now," he said through gritted teeth, marveling at his use of a complete sentence.

"Why?"

"Because I'm going to come in your mouth in about three seconds." Just saying the words pushed him that much closer to the edge, and he felt a tightening at the base of his cock.

"Wouldn't you like that? Coming in my mouth?"

"I-" Sirius swallowed a groan at the effort not to grip Snape's head and tilt it back, holding it steady while he buried himself in it. "I don't think that's what you want."

"You're very certain about what I want tonight, aren't you?"

With that Snape lowered his mouth again and dug his fingers in Sirius's arse. Sirius let his head tip back, but not so far he couldn't see Snape's head working him, moving at his groin, and he knew he was thrusting into that mouth with fast little thrusts now, and his breathing was inelegant and ragged, but he wasn't quite lost until Snape grabbed his hand and placed it right where he wanted it, right on his head, and Sirius curled his fingers in that dark tangle and gripped hard as he came, silently, his knees shaking, but so hard tears stung the back of his eyes.

Somehow he ended up on his back on the bed, and Snape's head was on his chest, Snape's fingers tracing feathery lines on him. He lifted his head weakly when he felt Snape's eyes on him.

"Are you all right?"

"Yeah. . . yeah. Just give me a minute."

Snape was staring at him, bemusedly. "I think you may have lost consciousness there for a moment."

"It's just possible."

"May I ask you a question?"

"Hm."

"Why do you enjoy sex?"

Sirius let what little air was left in his lungs out in a splutter. "Wh- what?"

"You heard me."

"Um. All right." Sirius propped himself up on one elbow. "Is orgasm so unpleasant for you then?"

"Of course not. But orgasm is not what we are discussing."

"No, I suppose not. You're asking me how I can stand to be so close to other people, is that it?"

Snape adjusted his position, and his chin dig a bit painfully into Sirius's ribcage as he nodded, but Sirius did not shift away. He sighed and flopped back.

"I can't. Not any more, anyway. It used to be easy. I don't know how. I don't remember how it was. There are. . . lots of things I don't remember. Not that I don't remember, but that I don't remember how they go, if that makes sense. Like waking up one morning and not knowing how to tie your shoes. You can sit there and figure it out, after a while - I mean, how hard can it be, really, right? But you don't really ever remember, not ever again. It's never quite the same, and you've always got to think about it, which isn't really the same thing as remembering at all. Like having to look at a map on your way home every single evening."

"Sirius."

"What?"

"What in the seven hells are you talking about?"

Sirius laughed. "I'm talking about I haven't slept with anyone in fifteen years. I can't stand to be close to other people at all. Most of them make me unbearably nervous. If they touch me, I flinch. I'm talking about I don't remember how to do that any more."

"I see." Snape moved his head a little. His breath felt warm on Sirius's abdomen. "Except you're doing it now."

"True," Sirius said reflectively. "But then, you're even more fucked up than I am. So there's that."

Snape's laugh shook their joined bodies. Sirius moved his arm and began slowly stroking the smooth pale back stretched across him. Skin to skin. Sirius, he had said. Like he said it every day. Like nothing could be more natural. He moved his leg a little, just to see, and encountered Snape's erection, and felt the sharp intake of breath.

"How is it you're lying on that thing? You're going to hurt yourself."

"Oh, sod off."

"Believe me, I'm trying." He paused, weighing. "Severus. May I ask you a question now?"

"I suppose."

"Did you like what you did for me just now?"

Snape raised his head, and his eyes were all molten iris. "God, yes."

"That's how it feels for me, too, when I touch you. When I can see your pleasure."

Snape considered this. "I have a difficult time believing that."

"I know. But there it is. So tell me." He scooted down a bit, making sure his leg came up beneath Snape's erection, moving it casually back and forth a bit. "What is it you think you might like?"

"I. . . I don't know."

"Yes you do. And if you don't tell me I'll just decide. Or maybe I'll just keep moving my leg back and forth like this, just a little bit. Just like so." Snape's fingers were pressing into him, and he was rubbing against him with little motions he was quite certain Snape himself was unaware of. He scooted down even further, so he could whisper in Snape's ear. "We could do this, if you like. I'd love to feel your come on me, hot on my leg like that, my stomach, my chest, wherever you want it. Would you like that?"

Snape gave only a moan in response, and moved his hips a bit faster. Sirius had to swallow against the drying of his mouth. "Or would you like my mouth on you? Would you like to come in my mouth the way I came in yours, shooting all that lovely come down my throat until I choke on it? Is that what you would like?"

"Sirius. . ." Tremors had begun to go off in Snape's voice.

"But I know that isn't what you would like, is it. I know where you really want to come. Why don't you do it, then? Why don't you bury that gorgeous cock up my arse the way you really want to, so deep inside me I can't even breathe? Isn't that what you really want?"

"I. . . oh God oh God-fuck, Sirius yes-" Snape was rubbing faster now, and he pushed against him, giving him the friction he craved, and he reached his hand around his own cock, which was beginning to twitch and thrum in sympathy. Without warning Snape crawled on top of him then, pushing their cocks together with a brutal shove, grinding maniacally, teeth bared, voice a rhythmic grunt, and as Snape's balls pushed into his and their cocks slid together, he cried out at the sweet sharpness of it, so much better than with their clothes on, and Snape's fingers were digging quite painfully into his shoulders, he couldn't have moved if he'd wanted, which he didn't, never ever, pinned there beneath Snape as Snape rode him without elegance or grace or gentleness and it was so good, it was better than best, and Snape was grunting now as he ground them together one last time, and he felt the hot splash of Snape's come on his stomach as he arched and cried and shivered and clutched, not knowing if the pulse was his own or Snape's and not caring.

Snape collapsed heavily on him, and Sirius brought his arms, only trembling a little, around Snape as his breathing slowed. He let his eyes drift shut, knowing he needed to get them cleaned up, knowing Snape was too far gone to think of it. After a minute he tried a little shift and discovered to his consternation that Azkaban had stripped him of more than weight. Snape had some muscle over him now that he hadn't had twenty years ago, and there was going to be no moving him. The second he thought it, Snape was off him like a shot, his eyes wide with horror.

"Sirius - dear God. I. . . I'm sorry, I-what did I- I'm so terribly sorry-"

"What the hell's the matter with you? I was just reaching for a flannel."

Snape was running a hand through his hair, and he leaped off the bed in a clean panic. "I-how can you say that? I. . . I held you down, I-I-" Clearly no more verbs were forthcoming. Sirius sat up, frowning.

"Held me down? What the fuck are you talking about? It felt good, just now. That was called fucking, you prat. I liked it, if you couldn't tell by the fact I just came all over you. What are you-"

But Snape's eyes were wild, and he was all but backing into a corner. Sirius put his head in his hands. Jesus fuck. Two steps forward, three steps back.

"Snape. Severus. Please just come lie down with me. All right? Can we do that?"

Hesitantly, Snape edged back over to the bed. "I didn't- hurt you?"

"No, Severus, you did not hurt me."

"You were not-" Snape cast about for the adjective. No, Sirius thought, he knows the word, he just doesn't want to say it. He won't say it.

"No, Severus, I was not frightened."

Snape relaxed visibly, and eased his long limbs back into the bed.

"Hand me a flannel first, will you."

"Oh. Of course." Snape was back up, and returned with a warm cloth in seconds. "I thought you knew a spell for this."

"Doesn't feel as nice as this." Sirius tossed it overboard when he was done, and pulled up the quilt. He yawned and stretched. "How is it your bed's so much warmer than Rosmerta's, hm? No way am I going back there tonight. Come on, get in before you freeze to death."

Snape was standing uncertainly at the side of the bed. Sirius cocked a canny eye at him. "Snape. I'm sleeping here tonight, if you need some clarification. So get in this bed right now, or I'll steal all the covers and leave you with the undersheet to wrap your bony legs in."

"I see."

Sirius chuckled and scooted over as Snape slid in. He lay there stiff as a board, staring up at the ceiling. Sirius sighed and rolled over to face him.

"Sirius. I do apologise."

"I already told you-"

"No, not that. All the other. All. . . this. It is. . . mortifying, my idiocy." After a beat he looked Sirius in the eyes.

Sirius gently flicked a strand of hair off Snape's face. Something occurred to him. "I think we skipped something," he murmured, and bent closer to brush his lips against Snape's. "And it's my favourite part."

The kiss was tenderer than they had yet tried, nothing more than lips and small caresses, and for all its chastity it was wildly sweet, and Sirius felt that a cup of something he had been grasping firmly with both hands had spilled over inside his chest, and the warm liquid drenched him. He deepened the kiss, and Snape let him, and it was Snape's arms that came around him and cradled him, and he let himself fall asleep that way, between the soft warm sheets and the soft prickly hairs of Snape's chest and arms, and he thought, well, that's something. That's something. Azkaban had drained him of most memories worth having, but this was something, anyway. It was a start.

* * *

**Day Twenty-Two**

Sirius woke to a crackle, then a jolt, and then suffocation. His brain quickly unraveled this into a summons from the fireplace, the displacement of Snape leaping off the bed, and the weight of the blankets landing on his head in a graceless attempt to conceal his presence. He scowled.

"Headmaster," he heard Snape's sleep-gravelled voice, struggling to right itself. "What may I do for you?"

"Ah, good morning, Severus. I do hope I'm not disturbing you, but knowing your habits I thought an early morning call was not out of the question. I am looking for Sirius, and thought you might know where he was. Rosmerta claims not to have him. Did he say anything to you about going somewhere last night?"

"Ah. . . well, Albus, I. . ."

Oh for fuck's sake, Sirius thought, kicking back the covers. "Be right there, Albus," he said, launching himself off the side of the bed and pulling on his trousers. Which turned out to be Snape's trousers, and an awkward fit. "What's going on?" he said, fumbling at the buttons.

Dumbledore's face betrayed no surprise at Sirius's presence, or his deshabille. "Nothing good, my boy. I'm afraid I'm going to have need of your services, and your particular gift for concealment. We all will, now. Can you be ready to leave in an hour or so?"

"Of course."

"Excellent. Come up to my office, then, when you're ready, and we'll strategise together over breakfast." His disembodied head turned.

"Albus!"

"What is it, Severus?"

"If it is stealth you have need of-"

"No." Dumbledore's voice was harsh, and Sirius wondered if this was an oft-repeated argument. "It is far too dangerous. You know that. You are not to stir outside these walls, Severus. On your oath." The lines on his face eased a little. "But I always have need of your counsel, you know that as well. Come join us for breakfast and we will talk." The head turned again and he was gone. Sirius watched the fire spark and flame and gutter to nothingness.

"What the hell did you think you were doing, Black?" Sirius turned to see Snape's coldly furious face glaring at him. "Parading yourself like. . . like a. . . what the hell-did you even think? Had you no thought for my position, my privacy, my- my-" Snape was practically sputtering, and Sirius watched as from a distance, surprised at the chill fist he felt twisting in his belly.

"Yes, I had a thought, you utter bastard," he said, matching Snape's fury. "I had several of them. I thought that Albus needed me, and I wasn't going to waste his time and mine playing schoolboy. I thought that some things were more important than your bloody position, or whether Albus knew what- but just forget it. I won't make the fatal error of humiliating you again. And by the way, next time you set out to insult me, try and do the job right. Parading myself like the fucking whore I am, is what you meant to say."

"Black-"

"Shut up and get out of my way." Sirius ripped off the ill-fitting trousers and grabbed up his own, trying not to tip over as he jammed his legs in and pulled his shirt on at furious speed. Shoes, goddamnit, where were the shoes? Just under the bed. He yanked them out with as much dignity as he could collect and slammed the little door behind him, not glancing back at Snape. He stomped through the office and out into the corridor before he stopped to slip his shoes on with shaking fingers. Odd that his shirtfront was white. He had thought for sure there would be blood.

* * *

**Day Twenty-Five**

Padfoot sloped down the dirty little path that led to the dell, one more sad looking mutt in a semi-rural patch of semi-heath, hard by the motorway and the noise of traffic and smell of oil. London was creeping outwards here, and what was left of Surrey was fast being eaten by its grey maw. The dog ducked under the embankment of a dry streambed and shook the damp off his coat. He turned, hackles raised, at the rush of wings behind him in the mouth of the little cave. The barn owl blinked back at him, obviously a trifle concerned at her orders to deliver mail to a dog, but not unduly so.

"Oh, for heaven's sake." Sirius stretched himself out and snatched the parcel out of the bird's beak. "Try not to be so judgemental. Go on, get out of here." The owl hooted and flapped off, knowing better than to look to him for payment. Sirius tossed the letters in the corner and reached for the ragged blanket he had stowed in the back of his uncomfortable little hideaway. The cave was fine for Padfoot, but he tried not to spend too much time here in human form. Too bloody cold, for one thing. But until he solved the opposable thumb difficulty, reading letters would require his human hands. He sighed and settled in under the blanket, trying to ignore the way it smelled. Or perhaps that's me, he thought ruefully. Trust Albus to send letters on the coldest damn night of the year, when he would have appreciated curling up as Padfoot for what was left of the night.

He picked through the stack, lighting a low flame, more for light than for the pitiful warmth. Two from Albus, as was his custom, in case of interception. They were contradictory sets of instructions, the correct one carefully encoded. He smiled at the tiny parcel of chocolates.

"Better eat these now," he said aloud. "Wouldn't want to make Paddy sick." He chuckled at his own joke. Black, you bleeding madman, he thought.

There was a smaller letter, folded in eighths, tucked underneath the parcel, and he frowned at it. None of their agreed markings on it. Had Albus gone to using a third set now? He ripped that one open first, before the other two.

_Dear Art_, he read.

He dropped the letter at once. Fuck. He picked up Albus's letters and studied them. The code was a bit more difficult this time, but he got it halfway through the second read. He nibbled at the chocolate as he read, and ignored the smaller letter. When he was certain he had it, he threw off the blanket, and Padfoot turned around several times before curling into the tightest ball he could, nose tucked under tail. He drifted off this way, and woke just before dawn, with the dog's unerring instinct for impending light. The little square of parchment was still staring at him.

Sirius uncurled and ran a hand through his matted tangle of hair. How had he managed this, he wondered. Snape would have had to go to Albus and request the inclusion of a personal letter. It would have been embarrassing in the extreme for him. He considered the greeting again. Of course he couldn't have said Black, or even Padfoot. As for Snuffles, Sirius was glad that went no further than Harry and his chums. Dear Art. All right. That was pretty good. Paying attention, were you, Snape.

He picked up the letter and unfolded it all the way when the light had greyed sufficiently. The ink was a curious colour, almost coppery. Sepia, that was the name for it. Dear Art, he thought. I am writing you this letter in the blood of my former lovers, which I keep liquefied in a jar under my desk. He felt his laughter threaten to overtake him again. The sleep deprivation was obviously setting in.

_Dear Art,_

I have been kindly allowed me to include a personal note in this bundle, and since I understand your time (and patience) are probably brief, I shall endeavour to be as well.

I ran across this in my books the other day and thought you might enjoy it. I do not know if you actually read Gaelic, so I took the liberty of translating it out for you. I hope it is to your taste. When reading the Lament, one must keep in mind that the poet had no formal training in composition of any sort. She said what she felt, without stopping to consider if it was right or true or useful.

I am sure there is much of it she would take back, if she could.

With regards,

S.

On the second page was the entire Lament for Art O'Leary, written out in Snape's close, careful hand. Sirius read it through once, then a second time. As it happened, he did recall the poem's original, but only dimly. His mother had loved to recite it in a singsong voice over his bed at night, her voice thrilling and husking on the consonants. Over and over she had told him the story: dashing young Airt Ui Laoghaire, driven away from 18th century Ireland in the penal days to take service with Maria Theresa in Austria, rising to be a colonel in her army. Art came home with his pockets weighed down with gold and the personal gift of the Empress stabled in his barn, a fine mare worth her weight in gold. He heard his mother's voice, leaning closer, dropping dramatically. But in those days, Siri, no Irishman was allowed to own a horse worth more than five pounds. And when a wicked English offered to buy her off him for five pounds, and he refused, he was caught out. And then what do you think that wicked man did. What, Ma. Tell us again. He shot him, he did, shot him dead like a dog and left him to die in the woods. Only the mare came back home, riderless, covered in her master's blood, and brave Eileen the Raven Haired lifted up her voice in rage and grief, and wrote down her lament for her beloved. Say it for us, Ma.

Sirius folded the pages back together carefully. There was a little more time before full light. He ought to take the opportunity to sleep. He ought to take animal form again. For warmth. For not having to think about the letter. Instead, he curled the blanket tighter around his knees and sat huddled in the corner of the dank little cave, thinking. If all went well, day after tomorrow he would be home. Wherever that was supposed to be.

* * *

**Day Twenty-Seven**

The office door slammed back on its hinges. "I do, in fact."

Snape looked up from his worktable, his automatic scowl at the intruder frozen on his face. "You do what?"

"I do read Gaelic. Not well, but well enough to get on. Please, please tell me I can use your bathtub."

Snape's brows lifted. "By all means." His nose wrinkled slightly. "Though I think you'd be better served by a garden hose and flea dip to begin with."

"Very funny," Sirius called from the back. He was already turning on taps. "Where's your razor?"

Snape sighed. "Third shelf of the medicine chest. Better start with the clippers."

"I was only gone six days. How bad can it be? Besides, I gave myself a tongue bath regularly."

"And please let that be the end of the subject." Snape was standing in the doorway, and Sirius glanced up with a grin.

"God, this is going to be a religious experience. I could hardly concentrate to talk to Albus, I was so miserable. He didn't really look like he wanted me to sit down on anything, either."

"Imagine. Shall I incinerate these for you?" Snape aimed his wand at the heap of mud-encrusted rags on the floor.

"No! I mean, no, just leave them. I'll get them."

"I'm sure Albus will allow you to have a real pet, you know. You needn't domesticate your own bodily vermin."

Sirius eased into the steaming water with a groan, pushing the tap open even wider with his foot. "Oh, God. Oh, oh God."

Snape came and sat on the little bench seat he used as a prop for periodicals. He tossed one or two journals on the floor. "Here." He took hold of the flannel and started in on Sirius's back. "Have you eaten at all?" he said, his voice harsh. "No, forget I asked that. The last thing I want is the answer to that one. I shall have the house elves send up a tray."

"No, `s all right. I'll just sleep here," sighed Sirius, slipping down a bit into the tub, his eyes closed.

"Sit up." Snape was starting on his head, working in shampoo and something sweet-smelling. His fingers felt extraordinarily good, and Sirius reflected that were he still Padfoot his back leg would be thumping the side of the tub. He grinned and swallowed a giddy laugh, settling further into the strong hands on his scalp and neck.

"You surprise me, Snape," he murmured. "I didn't think you owned shampoo."

"Oh, shut up." Snape dumped the nearby pitcher of water on his head until he coughed. "Do you want to talk about any of it?"

"Not. . . not remotely. I want actual food, and a warm bed, and clean sheets. I'm just. . . I'm just tired, is all."

"Come on, let's get you out of here."

Snape was hoisting him out of the tub, and he tried to protest, but somehow it never made it out his mouth, and Snape was half-carrying him to the bed, and he felt his limbs slide on something cool and soft. Or no, he wasn't out of the bath, after all, because there were still fingers in his hair, threading it, stroking it, but he must not be in the bath, either, because he could hear his mother's voice reciting snatches of the Lament over him, only her voice was decidedly lower and huskier than he remembered as it bent very close to his ear. "Mo ghra thu go daingean," the voice whispered, and "mo ghra thu go daingean" became the refrain of his dreams, what he had of them, and he woke with "mo ghra thu go daingean" still in his head, wondering when he had remembered that bit of verse. _Mo ghra thu go daingean_. My love and my delight.

* * *

**Day Twenty-eight**

He woke with a start, sure he had forgot to do something he ought to have. He flung back the covers and began to climb out before he wakened enough to realise the thing he had kicked and was currently clambering on was Snape.

"Black. Wha' the hell you doing?"

"The Wolfsbane. I completely forgot. It's the full moon! We have to get it to Remus at once. There might just be enough time." He was scrambling on the floor now, searching for his things, which were nowhere to be found. Snape raised a bleary head.

"Oh, good God. You idiot. I gave that to Lupin yesterday. It was finished. How stupid can you be? Now get back in bed and stop moving around. You're stirring up all the cold air."

"Oh." Sirius straightened. Of course, Snape would have gone ahead without him. He would have had to. He felt oddly disappointed that he could not have been there to hand Remus the fruit of their labour, though. It had been a moment he had been looking forward to, as well as the end of something. "Snape. Where exactly are my things?"

Snape groaned. "Oh, hell. Determined to wake me up, are you? I sent them to be washed, of course. They'll be back in a bit. I'm sure suitable homes were found for all the lice."

"Damn it. I had-there were-" He sighed. Snape burrowed back into the pillow, his voice a sleepy murmur.

"The letter's on the mantel. I got it out."

"Oh. Well then." Sirius fought a moment of embarrassment. It had been dangerous, to save that letter, to leave anything that personal on him. But he could not bring himself to burn it with the rest of the things Albus had sent.

"I won't tell if you won't," came Snape's voice. "When I'm fully awake, we'll have a little course in basic espionage. For now, just get your arse back in this bed before I throttle you."

Sirius crawled back over top of Snape and nestled into his still warm spot. "Basic espionage," he muttered. "Would that include the lesson on how not to get caught betraying your Dark Lord?"

Snape's back was still. "Yes, it would."

Sirius winced. "Sorry."

"Oh, spare me." Snape yawned. "What time is it?"

"Just gone light. Can't sleep past dawn these days."

"Do I need to let you out, or something?"

"That's enough with those jokes, I think."

"Sorry," Snape said, in a perfect imitation of Sirius, and rolled over to face him. They blinked and regarded each other.

"So," Sirius began.

"So."

"I was glad of the letter."

"I'm glad you were glad. It was an extraordinarily bad one."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean. . . I mean it said none of the things I wanted it to say."

"Well. It said the things I wanted it to say, anyway. Severus." He hesitated. "I need to-"

"Just stop a moment. There's something I have to tell you."

"Oh?"

"I lied to you the other day."

Sirius considered. "All right."

"It bothers me like hell that you've slept with Lupin. It makes me hate him more than I did before, if that's possible. It made me want to piss in his potion. And no, I hadn't known it, though it didn't surprise me."

"Oh." Sirius digested this. "This is what we're talking about?"

"I thought you should know."

"Severus, you have. . . the most uncongenial pillow talk imaginable."

"It's not exactly playing to my strengths."

Sirius grinned at that, and Snape gave an uneasy smile. "Well, let's see if we can't play to mine, then." He sidled closer to Snape's warmth and let his arms slip round him. His smile deepened when he discovered Snape's nudity. He leaned in to nuzzle the sleep-warmed neck and brushed the stiffness of Snape's morning erection.

Well well well, he wanted to smirk. What have we here. Instead he met Snape's eyes for permission, and wrapped his hand around him. The skin felt as silkened by sleep as his neck, and a thousand times hotter. Snape pushed a little into his hand, and fluttered his eyes. Then Snape's hands were on his shoulders, pushing him back down onto the bed, and Snape was over top of him, looking at him.

"Six days," he said, "is a long time not to have something you have become accustomed to."

Sirius blinked at him. Snape was learning to like the sex. That was a good thing. A good thing, he thought, but his chest felt heavy.

Snape was frowning. "I meant you, you idiotic. . . you. Not sex. Did you think I meant. . . oh, hell. It is the part where I talk that seems to land us in difficulty. You. You are what I. . . perhaps I had better stop talking, then."

And he did, lowering his head to Sirius's mouth in a slow, gentle kiss that moved from lips to jaw to forehead, nothing more than brushes of lips that nevertheless had Sirius quaking with desire. "I think it is time," Snape was murmuring in his ear, "that you tell me what it is you want."

"I don't-"

"Liar." Snape's mouth was at his ear now, suckling, licking, and Sirius groaned and arched upward. "So I was thinking," he continued, "about some of the things you said, the last time we were here."

"Were you now." Sirius's voice was hoarsening.

"I was. When you were asking me where I might like to come."

"I-ah, God. I-yes."

"Like that, do you? I had wondered if you might. I have had time to wonder all sorts of things."

Snape's head was moving down his body now, stopping to swirl and lick at a nipple. Sirius arched off the bed. Snape raised his head and waited for Sirius's eyes.

"How quickly do you need to come?"

"Pretty quickly, if you keep doing that."

"Hm." Snape's head moved further down, down until he was poised over Sirius' straining cock.

"Oh God, Severus- please."

Snape lowered his mouth then, hot and wet and sliding his tongue on the veined ridge in a way calculated to drive Sirius to the brink.

"Severus!"

Snape raised his head.

"No," Sirius managed. "I didn't mean-you don't have to stop."

Snape chuckled and began moving off the bed.

"What- where are you going?"

"Be patient. Just something I need over here." Snape was sliding a drawer open and rooting around for something.

"Oh fuck, Severus, whatever it is-"

"Damn it all! I could have sworn I-"

"What in the hell are you-"

"Ah. Here it is. I knew I'd put it in here."

Sirius caught sight of a little bottle of something in Snape's hand as he climbed back on the bed, and his heart stopped.

"Severus. That-you don't have to-"

"Oh, do shut up." Snape's mouth was back on his cock, and he was struggling hard to say something else coherent, but then he couldn't remember it for the life of him. And when an oil-slicked finger drifted down below his balls, he knew beyond doubt that he would come long before Snape's finger ever got near him, and he twisted the sheets in his hands and bit almost through the side of his mouth when that finger brushed his cleft, nudging at his perineum.

"Oh God, Severus, just - in me, please-"

The finger pushed just inside, and it was so good he felt something sharp prick the back of his eyes. He gasped for breath. "You-if you-angle up-"

Snape lifted his mouth. "Oh, really? You mean, like this?"

Sirius threw his head back as small white stars exploded in front of his eyes, and his throat closed on a cry that was a fluttered moan. "Sweet-dear God. Please-"

Snape's finger moved from grazing to a regular bumping of the gland as his lips settled lower on Sirius's shaft, increasing their suction.

"Se-Sever- please-"

Impossible to tell if it was one finger, or two, or three. It was simply pleasure, pleasure he had almost forgotten could be so intense, so sweet, so breath-wrenching, and he was crying out something, he didn't know what, but all of a sudden the pleasure had stopped, the fingers had stilled, and Snape was looking at him as he panted and gasped for air.

"Really?"

Sirius tried to replay what he might have said in his head. Not hard to figure out. He swallowed. "God, yes."

And then Snape was easing his fingers out and moving up, positioning himself closer. "Do you-should you-"

Fuck, Sirius thought. He has no idea this can be done face to face. "This is fine. Please, I just-"

"I'm not sure I-"

Sirius could see the nervousness in the hooded eyes. He reached up and pulled Snape down on top of him, wrapping his arms around him, letting their cocks settle against each other. He felt Snape shudder at it, felt him push into the friction.

"Good, baby?" He felt Snape moan in his shoulder, and knew he must be far gone not to decapitate him for the endearment. "It feels good to me, too. So good." He ground upwards, and Snape's breathy moan met his. "I just want to come with you, next to you, in you, whatever. Just here, with you. Whatever you want. Just - oh God, so good." He let their cocks rub a bit more, letting Snape's arousal build. "It felt so good with your fingers in me, you have no idea. So good."

"Was it?"

"God, yes. It made me think what it would be like to have you fucking me, buried inside me, that beautiful thick cock fucking me, coming in me-"

"Sirius-"

He brought his legs up and around Snape's waist. "Please, Severus, come with me. Anything. I just-just need-"

Snape was rocking into him, picking up pace, and then he pulled back a little, shifting. The next instant Snape was buried in one smooth thrust inside him, and Sirius cried out and arched clean off the bed, every muscle stiff with shock, rigid with the pleasure-pain that closed his throat on a strangled scream.

"Oh God I'm sorry-"

But Sirius's legs clamped around him, not letting him go. "Don't move oh God just don't move," he panted.

And for long minutes they didn't, their arms wrapped tight. Sirius relaxed and slowed his breathing, more an act of will than anything else. Snape was larger than any lover he had taken before, and the truth was this was not something he was so used to doing, even before Azkaban, though he would never have admitted it to Snape.

"Sirius, I'm hurting you," whispered Snape in his ear.

"But it feels so good." That was all he trusted himself to say. Who knew what foolishness would spill from him, lying here beneath Snape, riven, filled, enfolded. It was all he could do to hang on to the back bent above him and the soft head that nudged him.

"Sirius. Oh, Sirius." Snape's lips were on his neck now, his voice a tender thrum, and Sirius knew it had been his voice he had heard last night in his dream, and knew what Snape had called him, and the last rock of his heart split open and gushed, not warm, but cold and sharp and clean.

"Move a little," he whispered.

"Are you sure?"

In answer Sirius brought his legs up higher around Snape's waist, and clenched his muscles experimentally, pulling a groan from Snape.

"Severus. I want you to do something for me."

"Anything."

"Fuck me."

Snape locked his eyes on Sirius's, and pulled out a little, then slid just as slowly back in. Sirius gasped. Snape froze.

"All right?"

"Yeah. Oh, yeah. Do that again."

And he did. And again. Then once more. Beneath his encircling arms, Sirius felt Snape's back begin to shake a little. "Feel good, Severus?" he murmured.

"You have. . . no idea."

There was stillness for a few more minutes. Sirius felt Snape beginning to drift away from him. "Severus. All right there?"

"Yes. All right."

"What's the matter?"

"I don't-I don't want to hurt you."

Sirius wanted to bite through his lip. "Severus. Jesus. You're not going to hurt me. You-" Inspiration struck. "How limber are you?"

Snape lifted his head warily. "Why do you ask?"

"We're going to roll over. Here we go." Joined, they carefully eased over so Snape was on his back. Sirius straddled him, and gasped as he felt Snape's cock settling deeper into him, at a different angle. He blinked and swayed. "Okay," he said, after a bit. "There's no possible way you can hurt me now."

Snape nodded. His breathing was a little more rapid, and Sirius took note. He bent down. "Do you like this, Severus?"

"Yes."

"All you have to do is lie there and let me fuck you. Do you want to watch me do that, Severus?"

"God, yes."

"Then hold on." He lifted up a little, then slid back down Snape's shaft. Snape was close to panting now, his head lifting off the mattress to watch their joined bodies. Sirius gripped Snape's shoulders and increased his pace. He shifted his weight a little, changing the-sweet fucking God. He groaned aloud as Snape's cock plunged into his prostate. Nothing had ever felt this deep in him before. He let his head drop forward, not able to sustain eye contact any more, and began riding Snape's cock in earnest, his knuckles white.

Snape's hands gripped his hips, and he almost came when he felt Snape pushing up into him now on every downstroke, Snape's fingers digging into him, pulling him back down.

"God you-you don't know how good this feels, riding you like this- ah yes, just there, do that again- yes I-" He tried to reach a shaking hand to curl around his own cock, but the co-ordinated action was beyond him. The sensations were too intense, and getting stronger. Snape was pushing up harder, faster now, his face fierce with impending climax, and Sirius felt his balls tightening.

"Sirius. Oh God, Sirius, I'm going to-please, now, I-" Snape's hips jerked up frantically, and Sirius gave up trying to stifle his cries.

"Fuck, yes-just there, there-oh, ohhh-" He felt lightning shoot out of him, his come arcing up and onto Snape's chest, and the sight was so unbearably hot it tore another spasm out of him even as he felt Snape crushing his fingers on his hips, and the convulsions had begun to seize Snape, bending him almost double, and somehow they were both upright, his legs around Snape's waist, Snape's arms holding him up and on that pulsing cock flooding him with heat and wet and fuck fuck fuck his orgasm was not stopping how could they fuck fuck so good so good so good.

Neither of them moved for several minutes. They sat there, upright, arms wrapped, heads folded on shoulders as they waited for breath to return.

"Sweet Jesus on toast."

Snape's answering chuckle shivered his back. He felt lips graze his shoulder. Snape was kissing his shoulder. Kissing his shoulder. Snape. He almost said it aloud to himself, to see if the words felt as good as the lips. The heavy head sank back onto his shoulder.

"I'm afraid I did that- rather badly."

It was Sirius's turn to laugh. "Which part? You mean the part where you made me come like a freight train? Or the part where you reduced me to the babbling idiocy of a seven word vocabulary?"

Snape was quiet.

"Severus? You all right?"

"Yes. Just trying to work out what the seven words would be."

Sirius's laugh deepened, and he felt Snape's shoulders shake in amusement too. He shifted a little.

"Do you need to move?"

"Lying down might be good. I don't think there's very much blood above my waist level right now, and I might pass out."

Gently Snape lowered them backward, their bodies still joined. Snape rolled him on his side and slowly slid out. Sirius moaned.

"Does that hurt?"

"Not exactly. It feels a bit like you're removing my pancreas."

They lay side by side, still gathering breath.

"I'm sorry I hurt you," Snape said after a bit.

Sirius considered saying "you didn't," but he didn't. "That happens sometimes," he said. "And it did feel amazing, anyway."

Snape propped himself on his elbow and studied Sirius, who started to pull up the blanket. Snape stopped him with a hand on his wrist, and he subsided, letting himself be examined. He was painfully aware of the things that hadn't bothered him before, in half-light and firelight-of prominent ribs and pale skin and the marks of age that had visited his body too soon. It was a handsome body, but a ravaged one, and he knew it. A Greek statue fallen on hard times, its muscles chipped and time-worn. He fixed his eyes on the mantel.

"Please stop."

Snape dropped his eyes. "All right."

"So."

"So."

"I have to leave again in a few days."

"I know. "

"I wish-"

"I know that too."

"Severus."

"Hm."

"We're not coming out of this alive, are we?"

Snape gave it some thought. "No. I shouldn't think so. Were they so awful, then, the things you saw?"

"Yeah," he said softly. "Yeah, they were. It won't be over quickly, either - not like last time. I saw that."

"No. No, it won't."

"Severus. I need you to swear something to me."

He felt Snape stiffen beside him. "Don't you dare."

"You'd better believe I dare. Severus, goddamnit, you listen to Albus. He wants your head on a fucking platter, he does. He wants to wear your entrails round his neck. He's obsessed, and revenging himself on you is close to the top of his list right now. You step one foot outside these grounds now, even to Hogsmeade-"

Snape swung his legs over the side of the bed, his back to Sirius. "That is the end of this conversation. Surely discussion of my utter uselessness can await a more appropriate moment." He was grabbing a cloth from the bottom shelf of the nightstand and wiping his chest. His shoulders were slumped.

Sirius reached a hand and brushed his back. "All right. All right. Can we-will you lie down now?"

Snape turned and eased under the covers. They settled long limbs into comfortable hollows, Sirius's arm thrown over him, Snape's back curled into him.

"Don't you teach?"

"Idiot," Snape mumbled. "It's Sunday."

"Oh," he yawned.

"Go back to sleep. There's no need to stir out of bed today."

"Mm. Promise?"

"Yes." Snape's voice had an odd hitch in it. "I promise." Sirius started to ask him something, but sleep was overtaking him. The thought of a day beneath the soft warm of Snape's sheets was fast sucking him under. He burrowed deeper into something yet softer and warmer that proved to be Snape's neck.

"Severus."

"Hm."

"You have nice sheets."

A low chuckle. "Go to sleep."

"Mm. `L right."

* * *

He didn't wake until the sun was high in the sky, and the counterpane was drenched in warm light. He stretched his legs in the empty bed and discovered he was ravenously hungry. He had fallen asleep before he could eat anything last night other than a biscuit or two in Albus's office. He wondered if Snape really could have the house elves bring something up from the kitchens, or if. . .

Remus. He sat up. Shit. He had completely forgot about Remus. It was the full moon last night, and Remus had spent it alone and miserable and ill. Oh, fuck. Remus would be out cold for some hours yet, naturally, but after that he would have to go mend those fences. It was hard now to remember what exactly he had been angry about. He slid out of the bed and looked around for his clothes. No sign of them, or Snape. All right. He thought a moment, then pulled open the wardrobe door. He smiled at the neat array of crisp white shirts intermingled with black that greeted him. Not a whole lot of choice here. He reached for the dressing gown on the hook and looped it about him. Very nice, Snape. Cotton sheets that felt like silk. Brocaded velvet dressing gowns. Snape, you old sybarite, he thought with another smile. Slippers, he wondered absently, rummaging in the bottom of the wardrobe. He emerged with a pair and slid his foot into one. Too damn small. No truth to the adage there, he thought, kicking it aside.

He yawned and shuffled into the bathroom, emerging a few moments later clean-shaven and refreshed, but still starving. He padded out through the empty sitting room to the office. Snape was at his worktable, frowning over a cauldron, moving rapidly. He did not look up.

"Thought I might have to try a Revivicus on you."

Sirius collapsed into a chair.

"There's a tray of food over there, though I expect it's cold by now."

"Doesn't matter." Sirius reached over and plucked a piece of toast from the tray on the desk. Snape glanced up.

"Oh, for heaven's sake," he muttered, pulling out his wand. "Calidus," he pronounced, aiming it at the tray. Instantly the eggs steamed, the toast warmed and softened, the porridge lost its congealed look, and the scent of the coffee rose in a smoky curl.

"Thanks. What's that you're working on?"

"The preservative potion."

"Still?"

"I had a breakthrough." Snape's eyes were glittering as he decanted some of the viscous stuff into a beaker and held it to the light, such as it was. Carefully he stoppered it and set the bottle on the counter, staring at it in wonder. "It actually works."

"Really?" Sirius said around a mouthful of egg. "You're joking."

Snape was shaking his head. "Not a bit of it. It was. . . something you said, actually. About. . . well it was a helpful starting point. At any rate, the point is that it-"

"Wait. What I said about what?"

"Oh." Snape twitched his brow a little. "Well. About. . . custard, actually. It got me to thinking about the level of heat and the amount of stirring. That perhaps it wasn't so much the ingredients or their order, as the pace of it all. That with patience. . . well, the point is that it works now. Within limits."

Sirius bit back a smile. "Within limits, you say. What limits?"

Snape sighed and sat in the chair opposite, still fingering the bottle. "It can't preserve things indefinitely. Not above a couple of weeks, I shouldn't think. So it isn't going to revolutionise the way higher order medipotions are made or distributed, after all. And the preservative's almost as difficult and expensive to make as the potion it's supposed to preserve. But it will make things easier for Lupin, since it might just be possible to make two batches of Wolfsbane at once, and store one of them. It might give him a little more freedom of movement."

Sirius set his fork down. "So you didn't save the world. Just your little corner of it."

"I suppose." Snape ran a thumb across the bottle, and hesitated. "I looked in on Lupin this morning. He was sleeping quite soundly, of course, but appeared to be doing fine."

Sirius looked up in surprise, and Snape shrugged in his odd way. "I thought you might be worried."

Sirius tucked back into his eggs, hiding his smile. Snape frowned and changed the subject.

"I see you finally shaved."

"Was it that bad?"

Snape tilted his head, considering. "Actually, no. A bit of it suits you." His eyes were trailing over Sirius in that appraising way that made him so uncomfortable. He shifted.

"How amusing," Snape said.

"What."

"That you don't know I look at you because you're gorgeous."

He coughed and a bit of egg caught in his throat. He hastily swallowed some pumpkin juice. "My God," he said. "Think of the money I could make off that. No one would ever believe me, though. I ought to have a recording device in here to see if I could catch you out in some ridiculousness."

Snape scowled at him, not unpleasantly. He rose and set the bottle of preservative on the shelf before heading back to the sitting room. "Finish your breakfast. And come back to bed. Baby."

Sirius felt himself blush, and grinned. He pushed the tray aside. It could wait.


End file.
